Tuesday, March 22, 2016

"For The Tough Days"

It took me a couple of weeks to get there, but I finally bought the ticket home for the service yesterday.  Funny what triggers what when traversing the landscape of loss and grief.

Things got very real.  
Still not in a triage-y, OMGWTFBBQ way, just in a new potently present way that I have yet to understand.  I kind of careened through the first week, not much restful sleep [I still wake up with tear drenched pillows, though I don't remember crying], and very thankful for three hard deadlines at work for distraction, and that first weekend was The Big Sleep.  Last week was equally as deadline driven, but some sleep softened the shellshock and focusing on the paces was a go-to sweet spot.  But last week was also when the errant thought could lead to a sucker punch of 'never again' complete with the hiccup gasp and sudden tears. 

I am remarkably calm about *everything* right now.  I could be riding some long range endorphin wave, but it doesn't really feel like it.  It's as though I've changed the channel on my internal radio or simply had the "reset" button pushed on my worldview.  I don't know how much of it is a positive response to an opportunity to hone my battle choosing skills, but it's a welcome respite from the previous months of feeling as though everything was a non-stop spin cycle.  

Interestingly enough, it's cycled back to TMB, which feels like no less a loss in many ways.  I dream of him as well, but most often in third person.  The single most recurring image in my dreams is getting caught up in a crowd as our entwined fingers get pulled apart.  I never see me look back.  Only forward.

I wonder how much of it coincides with this.  Though I do have a strong instinct for self-preservation, Linda was the mama bear who dared challenge the most physically and emotionally hurtful situation in my life when I had very few safe options and safety became an increasingly negotiable priority.  Physically and then psychologically, she was a potent protector and a haven.

So, she's gone now.  But sort of not really, though, in a manner of speaking, she has passed the torch to me.  That torch?  Protect what you truly value.  Infuse what you love with love.

Especially when that is you and your tribe.  And never stop making that tribe bigger, because there is always room.

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