Monday, March 28, 2016

On Grief And Not Giving Up

I'm still learning this terrain of loss, and ironically, love,  How loss highlights how beautiful and strong and special love can be,  How wonderful quiet moments are.  How it is ok to be somewhat broken yet still step up and move on.

I won't lie.  I'll always miss that there won't be another belly laugh on the horizon with her.  I will always miss the feeling of being loved by him.  I'll miss sharing unexpected delight in any given ordinary moment,

If there is anything that Linda taught me it is that loss does not make me a lesser person and when I can invite loss in for a home-cooked meal, I'm actually the person on the mend.  Maybe not bigger, but certainly better.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

"For The Tough Days"

It took me a couple of weeks to get there, but I finally bought the ticket home for the service yesterday.  Funny what triggers what when traversing the landscape of loss and grief.

Things got very real.  
Still not in a triage-y, OMGWTFBBQ way, just in a new potently present way that I have yet to understand.  I kind of careened through the first week, not much restful sleep [I still wake up with tear drenched pillows, though I don't remember crying], and very thankful for three hard deadlines at work for distraction, and that first weekend was The Big Sleep.  Last week was equally as deadline driven, but some sleep softened the shellshock and focusing on the paces was a go-to sweet spot.  But last week was also when the errant thought could lead to a sucker punch of 'never again' complete with the hiccup gasp and sudden tears. 

I am remarkably calm about *everything* right now.  I could be riding some long range endorphin wave, but it doesn't really feel like it.  It's as though I've changed the channel on my internal radio or simply had the "reset" button pushed on my worldview.  I don't know how much of it is a positive response to an opportunity to hone my battle choosing skills, but it's a welcome respite from the previous months of feeling as though everything was a non-stop spin cycle.  

Interestingly enough, it's cycled back to TMB, which feels like no less a loss in many ways.  I dream of him as well, but most often in third person.  The single most recurring image in my dreams is getting caught up in a crowd as our entwined fingers get pulled apart.  I never see me look back.  Only forward.

I wonder how much of it coincides with this.  Though I do have a strong instinct for self-preservation, Linda was the mama bear who dared challenge the most physically and emotionally hurtful situation in my life when I had very few safe options and safety became an increasingly negotiable priority.  Physically and then psychologically, she was a potent protector and a haven.

So, she's gone now.  But sort of not really, though, in a manner of speaking, she has passed the torch to me.  That torch?  Protect what you truly value.  Infuse what you love with love.

Especially when that is you and your tribe.  And never stop making that tribe bigger, because there is always room.

Monday, March 14, 2016

Dreaming Of Monsters

As far as I can tell, the quote, 'if I got rid of my demons, I'd lose my angels" was authored by Tennessee Williams.

Since Tuesday, I've been dreaming of monsters.  Elaborate, detail filled dreams that were not restful but also weren't nightmare or night terror territory.  Being an ace at lucid dreaming and the fact that they were merely uncomfortable and not the "OMGWTF" tenor of 'mares and terrors, I decided to stick around through the ongoing ro
unds.  Though it did cause me to lose a great deal of restful sleep, it rewarded me with many different re-affirmations and insights.  First of all, fear can be your friend if you invite it in for a cup of tea, so speak, and listen to what it has to say instead of simply fighting it.  Fear is only bad if you let it cripple you, but respecting it can take you a long way on the path to a great deal of peace and insight.
I won't say that it's been *entirely* "Where The Wild Things Are", but let's do say that my version is pretty doggone good.  Last night's / this morning's was almost comical.  The monster [very "Alien"-esque] was moving in to, I dunno, eat my face, but I didn't run.  I was equal parts weary and curious and unafraid.  Complete, "Fuggit, let's see what happens" mode.  It paused and asked me why I wasn't running away and I told it I wanted to see what it really wanted.  I wishwishWISH I could remember what we talked about, but I woke up feeling like we ended up wandering about having a bit of a chat about things.  So many things.

It was odd and silly making [though I was dead on my feet for the first few hours of the day due to my night-time escapades], but the funny thing is that I woke up able to articulate something I hadn't before. [That's between me and my monster for now!]

Don't get me wrong, my monsters have been ugly, mother's love ugly [Freudian nod intended], but allowing them a spot at the table has been remarkable.  Maybe they are just misunderstood as it seems that they've been just looking out for me in their own monster-tarded way.  We just needed to find a common language.  And, for the record, they don't like loud, fricative noises either.  

Secondly, and seriously, be your own hero. It's probably overused and over-memed in a self help porn sort of way these days, but then again maybe it needs to be said until it truly strikes home.

Learn it.
Know it.
Use it.

Wednesday, March 09, 2016


Weirdly, Spotify recommended this to me on Monday, hours before you passed.
I'm still in shock, but I hope you know that you were so much more than a surrogate mother of sorts. You helped make me who I am today. You were beautiful and brilliant and wonderful and ever so loving and, ohhhhhh, that laugh.
You are ever in my heart and soul.  

Thank you.

Tuesday, March 08, 2016

"All Magical and Stuff"

I might have more to say about this at the end of the day, but for now, it's time to get ready for my place of gainful employ.

In the meantime, stay magical, y'all!

Sunday, March 06, 2016

Seems I'm On A Roll

And it's times like this when it feels like the universe is either repeatedly putting the same message in front of you or it's simply the message that you were looking for that's probably been there the whole time.  Much like when you learn a new word and suddenly it's ERRYWHUR.


I'm not aloof and I do believe strongly in manners and civility...but I fake nada.  NADA.  Nice kick in the pants, JB!

Friday, March 04, 2016

For The Love Of Owls

My sister-in-law just sent this to me and received a very gratifying response in return.  Many people  know that my love of owls and huskies run pretty much neck and neck and are ever so kind to feed these two beasts in my heart as often as possible. 

This, however, reminded me of yet another public transpo moment from earlier this week: apropos of exactly nothing, a man simply announced to me that my spirit animal is an owl and then got off of at the next stop. As if to say, "My work here is done" and dust his hands off with great satisfaction.

Thank you, universe, I love you, too!