Thursday, December 31, 2015

Dear 2016 [entering]

In a few short hours we are about to become very closely acquainted for, you know, basically a year.

I hope you're ready.


Dear 2015 [exiting]

Looking back, I see that I asked you to bring abundance and, in your own special way, you did.  To be honest, it wasn't always the abundance that I was hoping for, but I'll accept it, nonetheless.

That abundance:
- broke my heart
- made me stronger
- made me braver
- made me trust myself more than ever before
- it taught me that someone else's appreciation of me doesn't determine my self worth
- it taught me that expressing my appreciation for someone else is an essential act for me in order to move through the world with integrity
- taught me to make friends with my fears so that I truly hear my heart
- made me realize that it really is ok to get spitting mad...just remember to laugh when it's over [or, if you're me, likely halfway through your own tantrum at the absurdity of it all]
- taught me that 'no' is sometimes the first step to 'yes' and that endings really are often beginnings in painful / rueful disguise
- taught me that everyone has a unique relationship with the truth, even those you love and admire...and that doesn't always make it a lie, but when they start calling it "a narrative", run like hell
- reminded me of what I defend so often: the world is an incredible place and the internet is [as I choose to most often use it, personally], more often than not, just a bunch of people who enjoy connecting and sharing ideas and experiences.  And that there are amazing people out there, everywhere, who are going to blow my mind each time I 'meet' them.  Some of us have never met, though I feel closer to them than the people I spend 50 hours a week with.  Some, I may never meet face to face, though I'm always up for an adventure.  Others, I know I will.
- taught me that strong, honest friendships are so amazing.  For the first time in my life, I'm not 'one of the boys' and my female friendships have proven to be so fulfilling
- taught me that holding on and letting go is an open handed kind of love that is nearly impossible to explain
- taught me that "forgive but don't forget" has a sweet cousin and sometimes she provides forgiveness by forcing you to forget

It also taught me to always have a secret "fuck it bucket", because like The Rooster says,
"When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it,' and eat yourself some motherfucking candy." Or start sending MoonMoon and owl memes to your friends until you're all making fools of yourselves.  :)

Monday, December 28, 2015

For the first time in so long

I feel good.

Not forcefully ecstatic or euphoric.  Just good.  Solid.  Grounded.  Even.

It's probably a misconception, but I'll accept the possibility while it lasts.

Thursday, December 10, 2015


After much 4AM deliberation and continued drops from the ceiling on my face.  I chose PTO for today.  Some for clean up. Some for I don't know what, except for cleaning up this mess.


Tuesday, December 01, 2015

Oh, December

How you always make me feel so amazing.

On Sobering Moments And Gratitude

One of the more surreal moments I've had in SF in a loooong time because it simultaneously sent a chill through me and yet also filled me with immediate gratitude. 

Rush hour. Crowded underground MUNI platform at Powell Station. A very unobtrusively uniformed man wandered quietly through the crowd with a German Shepard who also wore a badge. As they approached and the dog slowed, the woman beside me who was surrounded by shopping bags, bent down, exclaiming in a loud, cutesy voice, "Isn't he just ADORABLE?!" and reached out to pet him.

Serious to gawd, in perfect sync, his handler and I quietly said, "Please don't. He's sniffing for bombs." 

As they passed, we met gazes, I thanked him. I didn't know how else to respond, honestly. With rueful understanding, he nodded, smiled back, and said, "You are very welcome."