Saturday, January 31, 2015

Langston

Thank you, Langston, for lighting fire to the writer and poet in my soul.

Thank you, Linda and Jim, for recognizing that kernel in me that I knew not what to do with so many years ago and feeding that hunger for the word.
 

Thank you to all of my wonderful beloved friends for "getting" me when I thought there was no get to be got.

Mr. Hughes, if there is an afterlife, next life, something new on the life horizon...I hope we get to sit down and share some kind company and belly laughs.  I suspect they would be good, good times.  You, sir, helped to shape my world when I had no idea what a world could be.

Hold fast to dreams, indeed.  I did and have done so with your words whispering in my ear.

Every ounce of my respect, I present. Thanks to you, in no small part, my life is not a barren field and my appreciation abounds.  I believed because you offered a chance to believe in your words.

I did.


Kindest of the most kind regards,
Jacki



"Dreams"

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.


-Langston Hughes

Just Life

It's only my Tuesday into Wednesday and I try not preach, but here's the deal: being human is the key to humanity. 

I absolutely appreciate productivity and efficiency, but oftentimes those extra couple of seconds or [gasp] minutes of attention given to a request make all the difference in the world even when it might mean missing a target number.

We are people, capable of kindness and respect when we choose that path. Life is so much better when we act on these instincts. 

Go be awesome and flawed and spectacular. Appreciate everyone in their moments of the above as well as when they have their meltdowns. Life is so much more of an adventure when we cross the road two by two or in mutually sympathetic groups as we were taught a long time ago. Having each others' backs is how we get through.

Have each others' backs and never stop.

Love and kisses and all the hugs you could ever imagine,
Jacki

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Dear 2015 [belated]

Dear 2015,

I asked 2014 to take me on a trip to the circus / zoo / chaos of life and she did not fail to deliver.  From you, I respectfully request a bit of a respite. I learned a great deal and still keep showing up for the challenge, but if we could step the challenge down a few notches, that would be awesome. 

I'm happy to work hard, as I've always done, but I think that the salmon spawning pace that I've been maintaining for almost two years can be brought down a few levels, please, as I am exhausted.  I think you may recognize a recurring theme.

If I could respectfully request, it would be:


 - More TMB
 - More joy
 - More easy breathing
 - More friends and loves ones
 - More laughter.  I'm a great laugher.
 - More gratitude expressed by me
 - Abundance to all of my loved ones and those I yet to meet and love.

Thank you in advance, 2015, I hope we have a great time together.

Warmly,

Jacki

Dear 2014 [belated]

I know that I asked for a challenge and you delivered.  A delivery that has had the focus of a force of nature. 

In no particular order, you took:


 - my ability to talk
 - my ability to walk 
 - my ability for comprehension
 - many of my memories

 - my comfort zone
 - my financial security
 - the love of my life leagues out of reach
 - my dignity, more times than once [overrated as that may be]

You made me:

 - fight the fuck back for what I have earned and deserve
 - realize how sensitive I am to those who are under represented
 - go fetal
 - rock my own bad self to sleep
 - weep body wrenching sobs of loss and confusion
 - dare to be heard
 - wake up more times than I care to admit at 3:30 gasping for air in a panic about fucking EVERYTHING
 - endure the 409 / urine stink of the ICU far too many times
 - make others laugh when I was withering inside, if only for the selfish reason that it made me feel better
 - laugh the black humour laugh at jokes that I get to make that comes from waking up not dead, again
 - fall down more times than I can count, but get back up, every single fucking time
 - care on levels that I thought not possible to achieve.  Sincerely. Deeply.


Dear 2014,

Thanks for the visit and the lessons.  Let's not do it again anytime soon.  Kisses!

I bid you adieu.

Best,
Jacki


Monday, January 19, 2015

Forgiveness Requested In Advance

...because this is precisely how I know that I am secretly an evil person.

*This* is a sweet and touching story that was working for for me...until I got to the typos.


Thank You Seattle from a Packer Fan - 55 (Orlando)

First of all what a great game yesterday. Both teams had their ups and downs and as a Packer fan I must say the end was not what I expected. The reason I am posting today is to let others know of the kindness shared to my 10 year old son by a 12 year old girl from Seattle at the game . My son lost his best friend in the world last week after a short illness. He grew up with Boo from about one year old. Boo was my sons dog, his best friend, the one who played with him, shared most all home meals with him and loved him no matter what. About 3 months ago Boo was just not himself and after a vet visit we all learned his time on earth was very short. Well Boo went to dog heaven last week and my son knew for the first time in his short life the feeling of losing someone you love. I was lost as how to help him heal , and out of no where a dear friend offered us two tickets to the game in Seattle. I got the tickets, bought the plane tickets and called a friend of mine in Seattle to see if we could bunk for the weekend. All was ready so I told my son. He was very excited and for a minute seemed to be doing better. Off we went and boy what a great time we had. Seattle is such a wonderful city and to see our much loved Packers play could it get any better. Sunday arrived and off we went to the game. Great seats, loud, exciting, nothing better then this I thought. We were seated next to a large family of Seattle fans so what joy we were having kidding them as our Packers run off to a lead. My son was sitting right next to a young girl of 12. They talked and seemed to be having a great time. Well we all know that the Packers played a great game but a win was not to be had. After Seattle scored in overtime I noticed the young girl was crying and still sitting in her seat. Her father talked to her and gave her a hug. When we were leaving I asked the father if the girl was crying for joy by the win and to my shock he told me no, she was crying because she wanted the Packers to win because she knew my son had lost his bog and she thought he needed this more then she did. I kept this to myself on the flight home. While my son was having our dinner meal he looked at me and said he was glad that Seattle had won. I was surprised and ask him why. He looked at me and told me the girl sitting next to him had lost her cat to a bog attack only the day before and he wanted her to have something to help her feel better. Football will never be the same to me. So Thank You Seattle for the great game, and Thank You God for putting so mush love for others to these two young people. Wishing Seattle only the very best but know the Pack Will Be Back!!!!!!!!

Yes, ma'am. The Pack will be back. A pack of bogs.

[Yeah.  I know.  WOW.  Just WOW.  And in no way discrediting her, but I can absolutely see AC doing that to me and me leaving it that way because of the juxtaposition of the heartfelt experience with the image of attack bogs makes me laugh and laugh.]

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Recipe For A Capital Weekend

 - Make tons of plans throughout the week for what you are going to do over the weekend as you are so tired each night when you come home from work that you are lucky to finish a glass of wine, barely have a voice, basic math skills elude you, and stairs seem to be a cruel joke from God.
 - Write plans down diligently.
 - Upon returning home on Friday, switch out contacts for glasses  [yessss!!] and pour glass of wine.
 - Climb into bed.  [Drinking wine in bed is one advantage of being an adult.] 

 - Pop in Netflix disc.  
 - Fall asleep within 15 minutes.  Not drift off, but deathless slumber, "I don't care if the building is on fire" sleep.
 - Wake at 4AM.
 - Finish movie and glass of wine, because, heck, the sun hasn't come up yet, so it's basically still night.
 - Start second movie because, heck, you're up! 
 - Consider The List.

 - Fall asleep.
 - Spend the remainder of the day in bed napping [which you have now renamed "practice runs"] through a couple of stand ups and a couple movies.  All of which you have to rewatch as you have slept through them the first time.
 - Read, write, and "research" between practice runs.
 - Consider The List.
 - Decide that you are finally rested enough that you are up for the task of sleeping.  You know, eventually.
 - Stream a movie.
 - Sleep through most of it.
 -  Get up and do laundry super early so as to avoid the house traffic jam on the laundry room.
 - Stumble on a ridiculous NF series to binge on.
 - Consider The List.
 - Perform another practice run in warm, clean bed linens and pillows.
 - Watch more of the series.
 - Consider The List.
 - Order pizza instead.
 - Eat too much pizza.  Happily.
 - Write.
 - Stare out window.
 
 - Watch more of the series.
 - Do yer hurz.
 - Cross "laundry" off the list.

 - Smile.

Some weekends were just made better than others.  I've needed this one for a long, long time.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Believe In Yourself

So this is probs going to be a little weird as my presence on FB has been limited due it being a jerk [Jeff, yes, you are still on my radar - stronger winds have prevailed as of late, though] and the fact that a 45+ hour work week is kicking my patooka.  Solidly.

That all said, here's the deal: in about four weeks, I will mark the second anniversary of how a large vehicle will win in a contest with a small person.  From that point, I lived a life of "No", "Don't", "Shouldn't", and "Eventually, maybe", but about two months ago I got super tired of living an ever diminishing life full of limitations and gave a quiet single finger salute [actually, I hiccup / hyperventilated-bawled on the phone with one of a revolving door of case worker / advocates in sheer frustration] and decided that "No" wasn't a word that I understood.  My body may tell me "not yet" or "this is a better way, now", but my me, new and weird and unknown as it is, doesn't accept "No"; it only accepts "How do we make the next step happen?" 

I've had so much support and love and prayers and laughter with and from my amazing circle of friends and family of choice [including the Teeters! Honestly, what planet did we come from?]  I could not have done it without you, but you can't do anything until choose not to hear "No."  Choosing to see opportunity and possibility in terms of personal success vs choosing to see challenges as obstacles makes a world of difference, mentally, psychologically, and emotionally.  Even when that means, "I've fallen and I can't get up."  Put it out there and know that loved ones have your back.  Be brave.  You likely have a greater net than you realize.  Optimism is not a miracle drug, but refusing to give up on yourself changes the game, entirely.

Then get on with gettin' on as best you can.

Shel feels as though he was my spirit guide through early life.  I had all of his books and they were dog eared and well worn the last time that I had them in my hands. I've posted it before and probably will never stop:

Listen to the MUSTN'TS, child,
      Listen to the DON'TS
      Listen to the SHOULDN'TS
The IMPOSSIBLES, the WONT'S
      Listen to the NEVER HAVES
Then listen close to me-
      Anything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be


And while Eric Thomas can seem a bit hyperbolic, he makes valid and practical points.  Mostly you are and will be as you see yourself to be. Success is as much as much sweat equity as it is luck, but it is never accidental.

Be awesome.  Or just get out of bed and do your thing, if that is your first step of being awesome.  Sometimes that is as awesomely as is possible and it's good. "'Cuz tomorrow gonna be a new day and a new way to shine"  as a friend once said. "Just bring it. We always be ready to see a new light shine bright."  [Vernacular intended.]

BOOM.

Believe in yourself.

Friday, January 09, 2015

As it turns out...

...the hardest thing about losing your best friend is less losing their support during periods of periods of trial and tribulation, but rather no longer having them there to share your triumphs with.

It definitely takes a great deal of the shine out of moments that would have otherwise been savored and celebrated.

I think I'm finally accepting that there will always be a void there.

For The First Time

In a long time 
I have much to say
But this time 
I have too many words
And not enough time.

Bonsoir!