Thursday, December 31, 2015

Dear 2016 [entering]

In a few short hours we are about to become very closely acquainted for, you know, basically a year.

I hope you're ready.

Kisses,
Me

Dear 2015 [exiting]

Looking back, I see that I asked you to bring abundance and, in your own special way, you did.  To be honest, it wasn't always the abundance that I was hoping for, but I'll accept it, nonetheless.

That abundance:
- broke my heart
- made me stronger
- made me braver
- made me trust myself more than ever before
- it taught me that someone else's appreciation of me doesn't determine my self worth
- it taught me that expressing my appreciation for someone else is an essential act for me in order to move through the world with integrity
- taught me to make friends with my fears so that I truly hear my heart
- made me realize that it really is ok to get spitting mad...just remember to laugh when it's over [or, if you're me, likely halfway through your own tantrum at the absurdity of it all]
- taught me that 'no' is sometimes the first step to 'yes' and that endings really are often beginnings in painful / rueful disguise
- taught me that everyone has a unique relationship with the truth, even those you love and admire...and that doesn't always make it a lie, but when they start calling it "a narrative", run like hell
- reminded me of what I defend so often: the world is an incredible place and the internet is [as I choose to most often use it, personally], more often than not, just a bunch of people who enjoy connecting and sharing ideas and experiences.  And that there are amazing people out there, everywhere, who are going to blow my mind each time I 'meet' them.  Some of us have never met, though I feel closer to them than the people I spend 50 hours a week with.  Some, I may never meet face to face, though I'm always up for an adventure.  Others, I know I will.
- taught me that strong, honest friendships are so amazing.  For the first time in my life, I'm not 'one of the boys' and my female friendships have proven to be so fulfilling
- taught me that holding on and letting go is an open handed kind of love that is nearly impossible to explain
- taught me that "forgive but don't forget" has a sweet cousin and sometimes she provides forgiveness by forcing you to forget

It also taught me to always have a secret "fuck it bucket", because like The Rooster says,
"When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it,' and eat yourself some motherfucking candy." Or start sending MoonMoon and owl memes to your friends until you're all making fools of yourselves.  :)

Monday, December 28, 2015

For the first time in so long

I feel good.

Not forcefully ecstatic or euphoric.  Just good.  Solid.  Grounded.  Even.

It's probably a misconception, but I'll accept the possibility while it lasts.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

PTO - OMG

After much 4AM deliberation and continued drops from the ceiling on my face.  I chose PTO for today.  Some for clean up. Some for I don't know what, except for cleaning up this mess.

Allons-y!

Tuesday, December 01, 2015

Oh, December

How you always make me feel so amazing.

On Sobering Moments And Gratitude

One of the more surreal moments I've had in SF in a loooong time because it simultaneously sent a chill through me and yet also filled me with immediate gratitude. 

Rush hour. Crowded underground MUNI platform at Powell Station. A very unobtrusively uniformed man wandered quietly through the crowd with a German Shepard who also wore a badge. As they approached and the dog slowed, the woman beside me who was surrounded by shopping bags, bent down, exclaiming in a loud, cutesy voice, "Isn't he just ADORABLE?!" and reached out to pet him.

Serious to gawd, in perfect sync, his handler and I quietly said, "Please don't. He's sniffing for bombs." 

As they passed, we met gazes, I thanked him. I didn't know how else to respond, honestly. With rueful understanding, he nodded, smiled back, and said, "You are very welcome."

Friday, November 13, 2015

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Sometimes To Win, You Have To Expect To Lose

A "seven weeks in seven days" course. Opted to take the exam on the eighth day. 30% pass rate on the first attempt. 60% is a passing grade. You get 3 hours.

75 minutes later: 83.3%


So, yeah. That happened yesterday.

I am a leaf on the wind.  Watch how I soar.

In retrospect, I took the counterintuitive approach of, "Fine.  If I fail, I'll count it as a test run and take the exam until I don't."  I've had too much of the "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION" mentality shoved at me.  "Failure" is always a possibility if that's what you perceive getting it wrong or not quite right is.  "Getting back up" is the first and best response.  Learning from the "failure" is the best way to move forward.

The best "fail".  A LOT.  It's just that they keep at it until they get it right.

Meanwhile, I'm giving a fist bump to my sci-fi soul brother, who, ironically, lost everything in succeeding at an impossible feat.  But even in his final moments, he was a leaf on the wind and we loved how he soared.



I love you, man!



Sunday, October 25, 2015

Oh, Serenity...

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: But it ain't all buttons and charts, little albatross. You know what the first rule of flying is? Well, I suppose you do, since you already know what I'm about to say.
River Tam: I do. But I like to hear you say it.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Love. You can learn all the math in the 'Verse, but you take a boat in the air that you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turning of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down, tells you she's hurtin' 'fore she keens. Makes her a home.
River Tam: Storm's getting worse.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: We'll pass through it soon enough.

Friday, October 23, 2015

Significance - The Common Theme [or When The Universe Speaks, Listen]

According to FB, I posted a version of this exactly two years ago.  If there is anything that I've come to understand, it's to pay attention to patterns. 

Listen and learn.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Significance In The Form Of A TBT

Thank you, NIKE, for giving Janet Champ a platform for a narrative and message that I have returned to for 25 years.  Most of all, thank you, Ms. Champ for crafting and sharing such a beautiful and enduring message!












Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Turning The Tables

“When you were born, you were crying and everyone else was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone else is crying."

 -Unattributable

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Tuesday, September 01, 2015

For The Love Of Dog

It was a great way to end a Monday and an even better way to start a Tuesday.

Thank you, Loki!

Friday, August 14, 2015

Love

If I had to chose one of the best ways to describe my idea of true love, in every version, it would be the following exchange between The Doctor and Clara in "Dark Waters":


Clara: What do we do now? What happens now, you and me? Doctor?
The Doctor: Go to Hell.
Clara: Fair enough. Absolutely fair enough. [starts to leave]
The Doctor: Clara? You asked me what we're going to do. I told you: we're going to Hell. Or wherever it is where people die. If there is anywhere. Wherever it is, we're going to find Danny, and if it is in any way possible, we're going to bring him home. Every culture has a concept of an afterlife. I always meant to have a look around, see if I could find one.
Clara: You're going to help me?
The Doctor: Well, why wouldn't I help you?
Clara: Because of what I just did, I just...
The Doctor: You betrayed me. You betrayed our trust, you betrayed our friendship, you betrayed everything that I've ever stood for. You let me down!
Clara: Then why are you helping me?
The Doctor: Why? Do you think that I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?

Friday, July 17, 2015

On The Benefits Of An Open Workspace

The older I get and the more random conversations that I have and overhear, the more convinced I become that life is basically an ongoing string of mortifying misadventures punctuated by impossibly brilliant recoveries.

May I never forget this.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

A Truth [Or The Difference Between Analyzing and Anxiety]

It has actually truly just sunk in how true this is.  I thought it somewhat funny before, but I had a 4AM moment of clarity and came to the same conclusion.  After weeks of looking back and and realizing the distance I've come over the last year, it has become amazingly clear how easy it can be to return to the scene of the crime and apply an older [or imagined] filter to a new reality and begin to see the devil behind every rock and tree as opposed to embracing a new, healthier path.
 

I do have some plans to discuss a little more deeply on mental health and the fine line between accepting what one cannot change vs choosing to change it. They are options for everyone and they are not mutually exclusive nor are they carved in stone, but there is a great deal to be said about which is which.

So, in the spirit of everything new and good: catastrophizing things does no one any good and anticipatory angst never helped anyone to live a longer and happier life.  So, STOP IT!  Sometimes the real devil is honestly only make believe...and that's a big statement from someone with an over-active imagination.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Something New

I love the way the old blog looked, but working through all of the kinks was getting to be more about workarounds and less about working on posts.  I'm taking a template on a test run and you can expect some changes before I settle in, but at the very least, I think I've finally managed to get comments up and running on the posts so I don't feel as though this is a one sided series of declarations on my part. [I have other special places to wax petulant when needs must.]

In the meantime: ALLONS-Y!!

Always Remember and Never Forget [aka "ARANF"]

I used to do a mini version of this every Friday when I sent out my dry as heck setup planner to all of the centers. You get really crafty about getting people to open and actually read Excel spreadsheets.  Some may have called it 'bribery', I simply called it a form of 'incentive'.  I learned all my tricks from every parent that I know and love.  [Thank you!]

On request, I created a budget for TMB and stuck a similar Easter Egg in it to make reading through hard numbers and a variety of solutions more fun.  I decided I would build a another one so I could work out some best practices on different platforms.  Today, it's for this blog.  It's Friday and the weekend could get a bit navel gaze-y.  Next week, deep training that will last another few months begins in earnest while adjusting to the new and stunning office [I promise pics!] as well as the ongoing presence of the company owners and the VIP crowd.  I sort of feel as though the next time I take a deep breath, it's going to be September so...let's have some fun!!



Always Remember and Never Forget


Some days, inevitably, things will take you by surprise

They might scare you

Leave you a bit frustrated

Trying to make sense of it can seem like this

And make you feel like this

Or that everyone around you is thinking this
 

 When what you really need is this


And that's cool, because even the legends know this




 And, most importantly, the best people are really thinking this


Because
And that's a fact.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Not Gone!

Ooof! It's amazing how time works.
If it was only as simple as "slow-slow-quickquick-slow".  More to come, very soon!

Friday, May 15, 2015

"It not what they call you; it’s what you answer to."

Maybe it's just what I've been focused on as of late, but righteous indignation seems like such a short game to play.

Sunday, May 03, 2015

Consider

I think of this a great deal lately because of where I live and the stories of the people with whom I work and speak every day.  I haven't reached a fully articulated conclusion yet and maybe I never will as I think that my perspective has become both broader and more refined.  And, perhaps, much like walking, as in living, the process is always dynamic. 


"and this too is part of the process
to discover
to forget
and then to rediscover that what is enough
can only be measured against what is too much

and thus catch ourselves before
we fall, as in walking
consider then,
the process of living."
[Excerpted from 'Consider The Process Of Walking' by Dirk Meyer]

Saturday, April 18, 2015

One Of The Best Parts Of Getting Older

[because every second we are a little older] is being able to look back and think / say / feel:  "I *did* that.  Like a BOSS!  AND I have the scars to prove it."

Hopefully, the positive 'did's outweigh the not so positive ones, but many times, that early morning stretch of gratitude at waking up not dead for another solar rotation is pretty flipping great.  Sprinkle in a few head shaking, knee slapping, surprise your bad self with all out belly laughs followed by a nap or five of cat level expertise and booooom, boo: you have yourself a sweet sustainable setup.

You know, like a BOSS.

Friday, April 17, 2015

Funny How Time Passes

11 years ago today, right about now, actually, I, with all of my belongings packed into a small U-Haul, crossed the beautiful Bay Bridge.  I don't know how long I planned to stay.  I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but, as ever, I was ready for a challenge.  It still feels like I have no idea what I'm getting into every day that I get out of bed and some days more so than others.  Some days, I wonder how I managed to even have a enough of a non-noodled noggin to even contemplate this stuff. 

Funny how life happens!

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Points of Note

Two little tipping point things happened this week:

1] For the umpteenth time, I walked past an advert for Cadillac quoting Abigail Adams who is declaring that "a calm is not desirable in any situation in life." [I, for one, would prefer that my neurosurgeon be calm. Call me crazy, but there it is.]

2] At least four times in recent days, a post was included in my feed about drinking coffee, reading books, and being happy followed with many "amens" declaring that if you were doing the first two, obviously, the third would be the result.

My point of discomfort comes from how easily it is to disguise marginalization and also elitism as validation. The ironies on both sides abound.

Coffee + reading = happiness? I love great stories. I love reading. I love being happy. I once loved coffee. In the last several years, coffee has become the new niche non-alcoholic varietal based area of specialty for many. A new arena for highly discerning palates. It's quite status based and driven by the coolness factor here in SF, as I'm sure it is in many other places. It's a bit wearying when one simply wants a cuppa joe. That said, even decaf coffee now often makes me queasy and if I'm stressed and / or underslept, it can trigger a seizure. [Another upvote for the attractiveness of calm.] I also love reading and books and gathering knowledge in general, but sometimes my body aches to move and feel muscle burn. I want actual interaction, whether to vent, share, listen, laugh, and hopefully, all of those at length and at different, unplanned intersections. 

Sometimes, I just want to be quiet with someone and do nothing at all but stare at clouds or garden or drive or walk. Or attempt to create something lovely together that fails spectacularly and collapse in bend over, tear inducing laughter, snorts and whoops included...then have an iced tea or a beer or a glass of cheap wine. Smile and savor the warmth of the moment. Those moments are no less overflowing with joy and happiness. They are full of serendipity and wonder that cannot be captured in a perfectly posed Pinterest tile or an advert. And nothing against that [because I deeply appreciate the production talent that goes into crafting eye catching images, but life and joy are often messy, perfectly imperfect moments that weave themselves together to become that beautiful warp and woof of a life well lived...much like your favorite pair of jeans, jandals, and threadbare t-shirt.

Still, as much as I want to celebrate my everchanging moments of joy, I do hesitate at the "obviously" statement. I simply find it so exclusionary.

I think it's great that people love their coffee and their reading and have found it to be an automatic path to happiness. Clearly, certain ad campaigns think you need to be in a constant state of chaos and disarray in order to have achieved a measure of accomplishment that will afford you a luxury car that resembles a glossy, low rider, repurposed tank. [No judgment on that esthetic, but it does seem sort of over the top unless you actually require a sassy repurposed tank for safety and survival.] 

Is it not inconceivable to think that there is more to it than just a single unilateral declarative statement?

As much as you may want to embrace your passion and declare it as your personal peak experience, perhaps be careful before declaring it as THE peak experience. A deaf person's life is no less extraordinary because they have yet to auditorily experience a symphony...nor is a hike with your loved ones in hushed silence, or watching a friend or family member score the goal, hit their mark, reach a personal best in the midst of shouts of enthusiasm. Here is happiness. Here is joy. It takes many forms.

Often, joy can be an unexpected present instead of the result of a designated or fixed calculation of the future. I wonder how much more fulfilling moments could be if we weren't constantly told what the "obvious" parameters are expected to be.
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Wednesday, April 08, 2015

Nothing Erudite

But it's really amazing how wonderful life can be when one doesn't feel as though they are in a constant state of crisis.

Boo to the YAH.

Saturday, April 04, 2015

LDRs Can Be Tough [TMB]

Just sayin'...but I am also just sayin'.

'Nuff said.

A Story of Sweet Serendipity: Matt and Bro O

This is truly one of the best reads I've had in ages. While a number of people have pointed out that it could have been an April Fool's joke, it would have to have been an impressively elaborate [Matt Stopera, editor at Buzzfeed, began posting about this on BF in February] and expensive [at least by my calculations, but then I suppose that in the world of Photoshop and CGI, anything is possible.]  I, however, am inclined to believe it to be authentic.

It's an unusually long read, by current internet Twitter standards, but it is also incredibly gratifying and moving.  SO much so that I was sad to see it come to an end so quickly; as one friend of mine put it, I wanted to be and sort felt as though I was sort of their friend, too.  It's like the best aspects of a great boook that you never want to put down. 

The level of genuine affection that these two individuals have created is not only wonderful, but it also highlights everything what is so very right about the intarwebs, the power of connectivity, and how easy it is for an inconvenience [frequently referred to as a 'FIrst World Problem'] to become a life changing event that positively impacts so many people and on such a beautiful and human level.

I honestly hope you take a few minutes to enjoy the evolving story of Matt and Bro O. [It's really "Bro Orange", but like any good story, my Inner Editor quick nick-nicknamed him "Bro O".]  In the end, I hope this story is not short, but is a long story that winds its way through each of their lives.

Cheers!

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Sunday, March 22, 2015

264

Pageviews in one day.  That's, um, a whole lot of wowzer!  Who knew?  That's beyond a record blown.

Whoever you are, I hope you enjoyed what you read or at least had a few laughs.  I recently realized that comments have been disabled [likely due to my maintaining the old format] and that will be something I will puzzle out as soon as I settle in to a new job.  But, hey!  Thanks for putting a wiggle in my walk.


In the meantime, I keep working toward a benchmark that I hope to confirm outright sooner than later.

Fingers crossed and much love!

Friday, March 13, 2015

Friday, March 06, 2015

With Great Hope and More Than a Little Sweat Equity

Focus less on what you think you are running from and more on what you know you are running towards. 

Old concept, but my mental framework for the day.  May it serve me well!

Wednesday, March 04, 2015

February in 3 Seconds or Less

Truth!

Oh, how life can be so wonderfully exciting and humbling at once!

Patience Can Be Hard

When one's synapses begin to crackle, spark, and fire.  There can always be room for improvement, but, for now, I am in a safe place.  Fight / flight mode can be disengaged.  It's about a safe landing than about facilitating a thoughtful transition.

I struggle to remember this, often, and strive to focus on plans in place vs obstacles in view.

This all sounds cryptic, I'm sure.  With hopes, it will unfold in the delightfully quirky way that is life being lived.

Friday, February 20, 2015

Love As Action

I've really been thinking about love in action these last few weeks [it's hard not to in my current profession in restaurant and the recent ensuing holidays where everyone has different versions of doing something special for someone] and it sometimes feels like a show for public recognition.

Then the person you've been to heck and back with, who actually does make the sun shine brighter, quietly whispers "love you." And you can feel it from a continent away. Bone deep. Breath catches and your keel is put even. 

Or catching up with the friends that get your quirks and make you laugh the laughs so hard while you do the same for them. Joy! 

Or watching two kids on a train, clearly best friends, share a set of headphones and laugh helplessly together, each pointing at the other when things that they are listening to strike home [and I'm talking all dignity lost laughter] and you cannot help but think that love, in all its amazing forms, is very much alive and doing its thing.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Happy Valentine's Day!

My favorite google animation is the one where two googlbies are so self involved with their cell phones that when it begins to rain they snap open their respective umbrellas and seem to decide that returning their focus to the tiny screen in front of them after a cursory nod to the other is a connection. And then proceed to ignore each other. Under their own umbrella. You know, as connections do. "I see you. I'll be over here doing my own thing."

I work in a restaurant where people spend more time texting than talking. Perhaps the thought that taking selfies and pics of their food for the reason to inundate the internet with their perceptions vs enjoying the moment makes them more something is, well...something? I dunno. It's confusing to watch and experience. Life as a texting, uploader of pics of things and constant critic, while missing out on simply enjoying things must be exhausting.

At one of the last baseball games I went to, there were more people filming than actually watching the post game fireworks. Really? Wow.

On the flip side, during this recent drenching Pineapple Express, an older man saw me run from one connection to a new connection [I changed routes because the tunnel was flooded and on delay] and he tilted his umbrella over me as we waited for the F line to swing through. He has a granddaughter at UC Berkeley, a great grandson in Seattle, a nephew in Eureka. He's from NC, but lives now in AZ, and he had decided to travel the West Coast to see friends and family here. He thinks burritos in SF are "damn good".

I was confused when he didn't get on the F as it arrived and he told me, "I saw you standing there and you just looked like you could use some shelter from the rain...my bus stop is over there. [Where I'd deboarded from a different line] He had missed three buses passing by as we talked and made friendly.

That was [in equal parts, awesome and sad, in that it stands out] unexpected humanity.
That is how, I think, we create Valentine's Day every day.

Monday, February 09, 2015

Serious To God

This woman and her creative magnetism and collaborations never, ever cease to amaze me.

Point.

[And, of course, I love this one as well.]

Sunday, February 01, 2015

On Breath and Breathing

Two beautiful videos.  The first is rather short, but quite moving.  The second is easily worth 20 minutes of your time.

Saturday, January 31, 2015

Langston

Thank you, Langston, for lighting fire to the writer and poet in my soul.

Thank you, Linda and Jim, for recognizing that kernel in me that I knew not what to do with so many years ago and feeding that hunger for the word.
 

Thank you to all of my wonderful beloved friends for "getting" me when I thought there was no get to be got.

Mr. Hughes, if there is an afterlife, next life, something new on the life horizon...I hope we get to sit down and share some kind company and belly laughs.  I suspect they would be good, good times.  You, sir, helped to shape my world when I had no idea what a world could be.

Hold fast to dreams, indeed.  I did and have done so with your words whispering in my ear.

Every ounce of my respect, I present. Thanks to you, in no small part, my life is not a barren field and my appreciation abounds.  I believed because you offered a chance to believe in your words.

I did.


Kindest of the most kind regards,
Jacki



"Dreams"

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.


-Langston Hughes

Just Life

It's only my Tuesday into Wednesday and I try not preach, but here's the deal: being human is the key to humanity. 

I absolutely appreciate productivity and efficiency, but oftentimes those extra couple of seconds or [gasp] minutes of attention given to a request make all the difference in the world even when it might mean missing a target number.

We are people, capable of kindness and respect when we choose that path. Life is so much better when we act on these instincts. 

Go be awesome and flawed and spectacular. Appreciate everyone in their moments of the above as well as when they have their meltdowns. Life is so much more of an adventure when we cross the road two by two or in mutually sympathetic groups as we were taught a long time ago. Having each others' backs is how we get through.

Have each others' backs and never stop.

Love and kisses and all the hugs you could ever imagine,
Jacki

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Dear 2015 [belated]

Dear 2015,

I asked 2014 to take me on a trip to the circus / zoo / chaos of life and she did not fail to deliver.  From you, I respectfully request a bit of a respite. I learned a great deal and still keep showing up for the challenge, but if we could step the challenge down a few notches, that would be awesome. 

I'm happy to work hard, as I've always done, but I think that the salmon spawning pace that I've been maintaining for almost two years can be brought down a few levels, please, as I am exhausted.  I think you may recognize a recurring theme.

If I could respectfully request, it would be:


 - More TMB
 - More joy
 - More easy breathing
 - More friends and loves ones
 - More laughter.  I'm a great laugher.
 - More gratitude expressed by me
 - Abundance to all of my loved ones and those I yet to meet and love.

Thank you in advance, 2015, I hope we have a great time together.

Warmly,

Jacki

Dear 2014 [belated]

I know that I asked for a challenge and you delivered.  A delivery that has had the focus of a force of nature. 

In no particular order, you took:


 - my ability to talk
 - my ability to walk 
 - my ability for comprehension
 - many of my memories

 - my comfort zone
 - my financial security
 - the love of my life leagues out of reach
 - my dignity, more times than once [overrated as that may be]

You made me:

 - fight the fuck back for what I have earned and deserve
 - realize how sensitive I am to those who are under represented
 - go fetal
 - rock my own bad self to sleep
 - weep body wrenching sobs of loss and confusion
 - dare to be heard
 - wake up more times than I care to admit at 3:30 gasping for air in a panic about fucking EVERYTHING
 - endure the 409 / urine stink of the ICU far too many times
 - make others laugh when I was withering inside, if only for the selfish reason that it made me feel better
 - laugh the black humour laugh at jokes that I get to make that comes from waking up not dead, again
 - fall down more times than I can count, but get back up, every single fucking time
 - care on levels that I thought not possible to achieve.  Sincerely. Deeply.


Dear 2014,

Thanks for the visit and the lessons.  Let's not do it again anytime soon.  Kisses!

I bid you adieu.

Best,
Jacki


Monday, January 19, 2015

Forgiveness Requested In Advance

...because this is precisely how I know that I am secretly an evil person.

*This* is a sweet and touching story that was working for for me...until I got to the typos.


Thank You Seattle from a Packer Fan - 55 (Orlando)

First of all what a great game yesterday. Both teams had their ups and downs and as a Packer fan I must say the end was not what I expected. The reason I am posting today is to let others know of the kindness shared to my 10 year old son by a 12 year old girl from Seattle at the game . My son lost his best friend in the world last week after a short illness. He grew up with Boo from about one year old. Boo was my sons dog, his best friend, the one who played with him, shared most all home meals with him and loved him no matter what. About 3 months ago Boo was just not himself and after a vet visit we all learned his time on earth was very short. Well Boo went to dog heaven last week and my son knew for the first time in his short life the feeling of losing someone you love. I was lost as how to help him heal , and out of no where a dear friend offered us two tickets to the game in Seattle. I got the tickets, bought the plane tickets and called a friend of mine in Seattle to see if we could bunk for the weekend. All was ready so I told my son. He was very excited and for a minute seemed to be doing better. Off we went and boy what a great time we had. Seattle is such a wonderful city and to see our much loved Packers play could it get any better. Sunday arrived and off we went to the game. Great seats, loud, exciting, nothing better then this I thought. We were seated next to a large family of Seattle fans so what joy we were having kidding them as our Packers run off to a lead. My son was sitting right next to a young girl of 12. They talked and seemed to be having a great time. Well we all know that the Packers played a great game but a win was not to be had. After Seattle scored in overtime I noticed the young girl was crying and still sitting in her seat. Her father talked to her and gave her a hug. When we were leaving I asked the father if the girl was crying for joy by the win and to my shock he told me no, she was crying because she wanted the Packers to win because she knew my son had lost his bog and she thought he needed this more then she did. I kept this to myself on the flight home. While my son was having our dinner meal he looked at me and said he was glad that Seattle had won. I was surprised and ask him why. He looked at me and told me the girl sitting next to him had lost her cat to a bog attack only the day before and he wanted her to have something to help her feel better. Football will never be the same to me. So Thank You Seattle for the great game, and Thank You God for putting so mush love for others to these two young people. Wishing Seattle only the very best but know the Pack Will Be Back!!!!!!!!

Yes, ma'am. The Pack will be back. A pack of bogs.

[Yeah.  I know.  WOW.  Just WOW.  And in no way discrediting her, but I can absolutely see AC doing that to me and me leaving it that way because of the juxtaposition of the heartfelt experience with the image of attack bogs makes me laugh and laugh.]

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Recipe For A Capital Weekend

 - Make tons of plans throughout the week for what you are going to do over the weekend as you are so tired each night when you come home from work that you are lucky to finish a glass of wine, barely have a voice, basic math skills elude you, and stairs seem to be a cruel joke from God.
 - Write plans down diligently.
 - Upon returning home on Friday, switch out contacts for glasses  [yessss!!] and pour glass of wine.
 - Climb into bed.  [Drinking wine in bed is one advantage of being an adult.] 

 - Pop in Netflix disc.  
 - Fall asleep within 15 minutes.  Not drift off, but deathless slumber, "I don't care if the building is on fire" sleep.
 - Wake at 4AM.
 - Finish movie and glass of wine, because, heck, the sun hasn't come up yet, so it's basically still night.
 - Start second movie because, heck, you're up! 
 - Consider The List.

 - Fall asleep.
 - Spend the remainder of the day in bed napping [which you have now renamed "practice runs"] through a couple of stand ups and a couple movies.  All of which you have to rewatch as you have slept through them the first time.
 - Read, write, and "research" between practice runs.
 - Consider The List.
 - Decide that you are finally rested enough that you are up for the task of sleeping.  You know, eventually.
 - Stream a movie.
 - Sleep through most of it.
 -  Get up and do laundry super early so as to avoid the house traffic jam on the laundry room.
 - Stumble on a ridiculous NF series to binge on.
 - Consider The List.
 - Perform another practice run in warm, clean bed linens and pillows.
 - Watch more of the series.
 - Consider The List.
 - Order pizza instead.
 - Eat too much pizza.  Happily.
 - Write.
 - Stare out window.
 
 - Watch more of the series.
 - Do yer hurz.
 - Cross "laundry" off the list.

 - Smile.

Some weekends were just made better than others.  I've needed this one for a long, long time.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Believe In Yourself

So this is probs going to be a little weird as my presence on FB has been limited due it being a jerk [Jeff, yes, you are still on my radar - stronger winds have prevailed as of late, though] and the fact that a 45+ hour work week is kicking my patooka.  Solidly.

That all said, here's the deal: in about four weeks, I will mark the second anniversary of how a large vehicle will win in a contest with a small person.  From that point, I lived a life of "No", "Don't", "Shouldn't", and "Eventually, maybe", but about two months ago I got super tired of living an ever diminishing life full of limitations and gave a quiet single finger salute [actually, I hiccup / hyperventilated-bawled on the phone with one of a revolving door of case worker / advocates in sheer frustration] and decided that "No" wasn't a word that I understood.  My body may tell me "not yet" or "this is a better way, now", but my me, new and weird and unknown as it is, doesn't accept "No"; it only accepts "How do we make the next step happen?" 

I've had so much support and love and prayers and laughter with and from my amazing circle of friends and family of choice [including the Teeters! Honestly, what planet did we come from?]  I could not have done it without you, but you can't do anything until choose not to hear "No."  Choosing to see opportunity and possibility in terms of personal success vs choosing to see challenges as obstacles makes a world of difference, mentally, psychologically, and emotionally.  Even when that means, "I've fallen and I can't get up."  Put it out there and know that loved ones have your back.  Be brave.  You likely have a greater net than you realize.  Optimism is not a miracle drug, but refusing to give up on yourself changes the game, entirely.

Then get on with gettin' on as best you can.

Shel feels as though he was my spirit guide through early life.  I had all of his books and they were dog eared and well worn the last time that I had them in my hands. I've posted it before and probably will never stop:

Listen to the MUSTN'TS, child,
      Listen to the DON'TS
      Listen to the SHOULDN'TS
The IMPOSSIBLES, the WONT'S
      Listen to the NEVER HAVES
Then listen close to me-
      Anything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be


And while Eric Thomas can seem a bit hyperbolic, he makes valid and practical points.  Mostly you are and will be as you see yourself to be. Success is as much as much sweat equity as it is luck, but it is never accidental.

Be awesome.  Or just get out of bed and do your thing, if that is your first step of being awesome.  Sometimes that is as awesomely as is possible and it's good. "'Cuz tomorrow gonna be a new day and a new way to shine"  as a friend once said. "Just bring it. We always be ready to see a new light shine bright."  [Vernacular intended.]

BOOM.

Believe in yourself.

Friday, January 09, 2015

As it turns out...

...the hardest thing about losing your best friend is less losing their support during periods of periods of trial and tribulation, but rather no longer having them there to share your triumphs with.

It definitely takes a great deal of the shine out of moments that would have otherwise been savored and celebrated.

I think I'm finally accepting that there will always be a void there.

For The First Time

In a long time 
I have much to say
But this time 
I have too many words
And not enough time.

Bonsoir!