Saturday, October 11, 2014

I'm Not Sure I've managed to do this, remain grounded and centered, what lucky star I was born under, how the bad crazy gene skipped me [as Susie so accurately assessed though, it really is why I didn't want to bear children.]  I've skirted depression, the urge to give up, I even keep refusing to die - but I have looked each one in the eye.  I just can't stop getting back up, because the winner is that person who doesn't give up and lasts five more minutes...even if that five more minutes is built on five more minutes and takes months. 

Fall down seven times, get up eight.  Persistence.

One of the things about walking through the city this last week, however, was seeing so many people in need and just wanting to find a way to bring them up.  To get them help for their mental illnesses and addictions and demons.  It's hard to realize how easily that line can be crossed from "all is good and well" to "holy shit, I'm fucked!"  How it can kill self esteem and draw you under the current.  How hard it can be to ask for a hand up or a second chance when that's really all you need.  Someone to have your back.

Don't worry about the future
Or know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind
The kind that blindsides you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday

[Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)]

Funnily enough, mine blindsided me at around 9pm on an idle Tuesday and I was worried about so many other things.  It entirely changed my trajectory.  In the next ten years, I want to look back and think that the car accident and this managed epilepsy with all its extra bonuses was really a blessing in disguise.  It made me stop and recalibrate.  Honestly consider my priorities and then make that into a habit, a checking point.

Maybe I don't have enough money to save the suffering as I would love to do so very much, but I made eye contact and smiled at every person that I could yesterday.  A doorman told me that I had a "glorious smile." For now, maybe my glorious smile, open laughter, and direct acknowledgment of personhood can be a tiny shining light on someone's dark day that can make a difference.

"Remember the times when you could have pressed 'quit', but you hit 'continue'."
[Shane Koyczan]

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