Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Swimming [Dreams]

Because of having to work through night terrors for most of my life, I have long believed in dream symbolism as well as lucid dreaming as path of learning.  Lately, I dream hard. I dream hard in a way that I want to take a nap to recover from the exercise of dreaming once I wake up. 

The most recent dreams have been of deep dive swimming.

"Swimming: To dream that you are swimming suggests that you are exploring aspects of your subconscious mind and emotions. The dream may be a sign that you are seeking some sort of emotional support. It is a common dream image for people going through therapy.

To dream that you are swimming underwater suggests that you are completely submerged in your own feelings. You are forcing yourself to deal with your subconscious emotions."

I am scared to shit of my present and my future, but these swimming dreams I keep having are these deep, DEEP depth, beautiful dreams full of love and strength and support.

May they come true.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

On Gratitude

I loved the exercise so much that I'm going back to it and I'm going to call it "10GAD" which will stand for "10 Gratitudes A Day".  I do not intend to have 10 at the start of the day, but I will start with as many as I can think of and add to it as the day progresses.

I'm also going to do this in accordance with my new implementation of a wishlist, the idea being that not only will the wishlist give me the chance to focus on / fine tune / articulate my thoughts, it will create something of a flow between acknowledging blessings that I have in my life with asking for blessings that I need or want for others.

These won't often be publicly posted as that seems a bit too close to posturing for me and I am a quiet person, but I am excited about a new open window in my worldview.


Tuesday, September 16, 2014


I think that there is a misconception about "mindfulness."

It is not about being most mindful about what is most important to your immediate personal interests, but about being open to what is most important in the greater scope.  Mindfulness is much more than self absorption or self contained interests.  It's not about being right, but about learning how to get it right.

Also, contrary to popular belief, this means you can get pissed.  Super mad.  Sometimes you need to get mad in order to learn / define your boundaries and be pushed out of your comfort zone enough to speak up and articulate your perspective.  But it's possible to do this without character assassination. 

When you address conflict, don't skirt the issue; focus on the facts.  Be clear.  Be honest.  Be fair.  Be kind.  Be gentle. Understand that honest, fair, and kind are not always easily expressed or received.  Consider the facts and "person" up y being present and simply statinge your case. Offer your defense or your alternative [depending on the side of the conversation you are on.]  Be prepared to wait.  Be willing to listen and consider and then reconsider your own perspective. Be open to compromise and change.  Be ready to adopt a new strategy, finish the conversation, and move forward.  Simply put: actively participate in a way that respects everyone involved.

We all put foot to earth.  It's worth considering how constructive that footprint will be.

I am a student of this every minute of every day.  I frequently fail at it, but I never stop trying to get it right.

Monday, September 15, 2014

That said

If anyone, just offhand, knows of anyone in need of a writer or even basic data entry individual as I get up to speed, feel free to help a sister out.  Happy to telecommute and work weird hours.

A New Chapter

Sooooooo, after some very excellent advice from Ben and after a long think, I have come to some conclusions:

 - The bigger picture of the medical industry here in the States is truly based on profit margins.  [I promise that I'm not wearing a tin foil hat.]  Every time I go to the doctor or get hauled into the hospital and they run tests, they find something new that they see as "suspicious"; some are spot on: getting hit by a car and slamming one's head into the floor during a gran mal for several minutes will cause brain injuries and bring on epilepsy.  However, there's a lot of other hoohah that involves half days devoted to sitting in medical facilities only to be told that one needs to come back for more tests and more half days spent waiting around in medical facilities because no one can agree on what is going on and shit ton of contradictory instruction.

My final conclusion is that I actually and inherently know best what to do with my body without being kept on a constant red alert by the people who are meant to be helping me.  And who probably are, but are so overworked and disconnected that they cannot put together a cohesive conclusion.

Additionally, the sticker prices are outrageous: $3000 for a two mile ambulance ride that only required that I be strapped down to my gurney due to my seizure activity - no drugs, no invasive measures, no triage; $30,000 for less than 20 hours of observation and tests; $150,000 for two days in ICU and two days in general with many IVs, many monitoring devices, lots of bloodwork, and no brain tests; $10,000 for a 60 minute or so, brain mapping session. 

 - Disability, which should help bridge me as I undergo some occupational and physical therapy with the goal of going back to work is a virtual mind fuck as I can't have enough assets to live on [less than $2000 total], but they make take up to 6 months to deny your initial claim [which they openly admit that they probably will do], then begins the appeal process for any length of time.  Unthinkable.

 - I hate being rudderless. I hate being told 'no'.  I hate not having options.  I hate feeling like a "have not" when I have loyally contributed so much for so long.

I'm not a petulant child but I have stopped having any kind of faith in and certainly have no need for corporate living.  I have been a "real go getter, willing to roll up my sleeves" employee for years.  I have been celebrated, promoted, and offered many words of appreciation, seldom, of course, without raises [bonuses, yes, but they do not impact one's salaried baseline.]  It's a sort of new form of indentured servitude; the terms of which can be changed at will and without notice.  Often they are and it is a practice that is both widely accepted and endorsed.  Also, an offer that I decline. 

In short, "The Boiler Room" mentality is welcome to go fuck itself. A to Z.

 - Which brings us to the final conclusion.  Rewrite the rules.  I have yet to figure just how but I have some ideas for the long term, but first is the issue of the fundamental security of income.  I am fairly certain that the rest will write itself as I begin to be able to divert my energies from chasing down agencies to creating an active path forward.

 I do, however, have to say that it is freeing to step outside of the grid.

Monday, September 08, 2014

In other news - I have good news

Though I need some time to finish processing it.  Apologies for the radio silence, but I really did need to have a sit and a think and a really long nap.

Back soon!