Monday, August 04, 2014

Evaluations: Take 1

In direct opposition to the the justice system, where you are innocent until proven guilty, the public assistance system goes from a guilty until proven innocent left swing.  It's an incredible level of constant interrogation.

"Why didn't you go to the hospital after the accident?"  Again, really?  I was in shock and had a concussion.  People don't think clearly in these states. I went straight to my safe space [read, apartment and slept.]

"Why did you stop taking your medication?"  Because the neurologist took me off of them and refused a refill. 

"When is your next appointment with him?"  Are you fucking shitting me?  NEVER.  I have a new one in queue, thankyouverymuch.

"You smell like alcohol."  You mean because I have just mouthwashed the hell out of myself, in your stinky little bathroom, to cover the absolutely delicious hummus, tomato, and avocado breakfast that I treated myself to this morning and then promptly threw back up outside of your office?  Lean in closer, dear, and you WILL smell the belch that comes from that.  Thank me later.

"Are you sure don't do street drugs?"  It may have been the slouchy hat I was wearing because my hair was wet and it was chilly this morning that threw you off, but I think I would have noticed if I was doing street drugs.  Oh, look, Hi, heroin needle!  Dafuq? I barely take an aspirin when in pain.

"You should think about drinking again and then tapering off."  I just...whaaaaa?  I was never a binger, never even a hard drinker, why should I have to taper off from something I've stepped away from?  Fucking nevermind; just go away.

I'm actually in pre-seizure stage right now due the stress of all of this, I tell her. [actually, as it turned out, I was between seizures...sort of.]  "How do you know you're entering a seizure?"  Well you saw my handwriting [which she had to get me to interpret], my walking, and how much I'm shaking: do healthy people do this? This is the beginning of a breakthrough seizure.  Make a note of it, because you aren't making it any better.

"Why don't you want to go back to the hospital?"  Have you listened to anything I have said about how terrible ICU is?  Anything?

And then came the tests.  It was sort of an exercise in humiliation.  I do understand why, I just don't like seeing the starkness of it.  I feel like I'm expanding in some ways, but I used to be super good at math, but there were math problems where my brain knew that I could stare at them for a year and the answer would not come. I wept. 

The word problems were easier, my language skills are becoming more robust. Though I still can't remember some story about a cafeteria worker in Boston. She had kids and got mugged and they hadn't eaten for days, but the police got her money.  She kept asking me to repeat the story and the only thing I could think of was "who mugs a cafeteria worker?"

There are pattern tests and it might be part of the synesthsia, but I really wanted to engage with the patterns and explore them, but she kept telling me I was wrong.  What she didn't care about is that colors now have sounds and those sounds want to make shapes of their own or that interact with the shape that I'm shown, so it quickly becomes incredibly confusing.  Pissed me off.  I wanted to yell, "What if my right isn't yours?"  The point being that whereas the math may be a hard stop in terms of regaining ground, maybe the softer skills are there to be engaged and built.  I'm not done trying

Finally, fuck the fuck off with your bitchiness, don't act like this was a choice I made, it's just a journey I need to make and your job is to help me.  So, stand up.

Lord, help me, I am trying to be strong, but some days, man, some days.

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