Sunday, August 03, 2014

Brighter days

For those of you who waterski, switching neurological meds is like navigating a wake for your first time and when you are switched to the wrong med, it's not unsimilar to a water faceplant where you forget to let go of the handle. For days, I was cold but hot, sweating hot.  I slept on towels because I was sweating so hard and having hallucinations.  It was truly a world of WTF.  And I still kept seizing.

Maybe I had to see how "un-me" I could be so I could truly appreciate being the me that is me.  The important thing is that for the first time in a month, I feel my own quiet calm return.  It, quite literally, feels like settling back into my skin. I may have to accept that I will be in flux with a low grade seizure, on call, for the rest of my life, but I will take that over the craziness of switching meds again.

FTR, Ben didn't leave me; I flipped the fuck out and ran like a tiger was chasing me. Also, my line of thinking made ZERO sense. Bless him for his patience. I am doing everything I can to gently repair that action. It was untrue and unfair to him as my love and to him as person.  He understands the role that medication played, but I still feel a responsibility to honour an honest apology and make amends.

Brighter days will come.  Tomorrow, I start a series of neurological, psychological, and physical evaluations / examinations.  I'm pretty terrified.  Just saying that helps.

I'm not sure if I'll ever be part of the Super Smart Society again and I don't know if I will miss the competition that comes with it, but I can build love and compassion that I never seemed to recognize the awesomeness of previously.  These, again, are actions.  Real actions that end up bearing witness and keeping together in a sense of personhood.

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