Sunday, August 10, 2014

And So It Goes

While the Neuro evaluator was nowhere near as caustic as the Psych evaluator, he was pretty evil in his own way.  I told him right off the bat that was in the midst of a breakthrough seizure. When I tried to explain the complicating issues [vomiting 20+ times a day, amongst many other things], he simply say, "I didn't ask you about that."  Next, he asked when my last seizure was and I stared in disbelief [dude, I told when I walked that I was having one.]  "Right now," I replied. "That's not what I asked you.  When was your last seizure." [Cue cognitive dissonance.]  "It started Sunday afternoon."  "How long did it last?" "It's happening right now.  I don't think I understand what it is that you are actually asking me, sir."  "Ok, get up on the exam table." Unsteadily, I get up and somewhat waveringly walk over to the table. "Why are you so unsteady?" "Because I am having a seizure!" [Cognitive dissonance fully deployed: JESUS H, MAN! HOW VERY MANY TIMES WITHIN 10 MINUTES MUST I REPEAT MYSELF?]

I'm not paranoid, but I am absolutely convinced that it is a tactical and strategic undermining of a person's sense of the validity regarding their situation so as not to have to pay out the money that has been paid in. I have paid in both with loyalty and integrity for 30 years.  To add insult to injury, it's not as if I want permanent disability, but given that Friday marked the end of a three back to back series of seizures, meaning that I was fully out of commission for at least 15 of the previous 20 days, how can I possibly expect anyone to hire me?  Even to work from home on a consistent basis, at this point, I'm completely unreliable.

I have what will be my first non ER / ICU Neuro exam on Thursday.  Absolutely no idea what is in store.  I suspect it may take some poking and prodding before they are able to tweak it or decide to operate.  Either way, I'm going to require heaps of physical and occupational therapy as well as a probable return to my old therapist so I can process things with her.  She'll even come to the hospital if I require extended stays.  [Plus, I make her laugh, which always helps.] Pragmatically, I have NO idea where I am supposed to find money off of which to live.  Thankfully, I have full medical through the state but that doesn't cover optical, dental, bills or other basic living expenses, for example.  It's pure madness.

I expect to be denied.  I will appeal as many times as it takes, but I'm disappointed in a system that calls itself "Social Services" chooses to be so incredibly inhumane.


On a brighter note, I finally got more than two hour stretches of sleep both Friday and last night and, my word, what a difference *that* makes.  A WORLD of difference, I'll tell you what!  I'm not quite caught up yet, but getting closer.  Even did chores today and rocked the stairs like a BOSS.  Boo YAH.  The one upside to having two either jerky evaluators or bad actors plucked off of the street posing as evaluators, is that this week's Neuro exam is causing me zero stress.

On an even brighter note, I think have helped Ben find a place to stay in the NYC area.  I know that it's a load off of his mind and, as such, is a load off of mine.  It feels good to be useful.  It feels good to have a sense of accomplishment and success, regardless of how small.

Somehow that last one overshadows all of the other crappity crapness of the week.

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