Sunday, August 03, 2014

Abandonment

They switched my seizure meds and it was awful.  I do not know if it was the synesthesia, but I didn't even smell or see right the entire time.  I probably should have returned to the hospital, but that is really the worst and I cannot go back. They've since switched me back.

In the process, I was an absolute jerk to Ben.  My Ben who deserves nothing less than the best.  The best of me, I hope. [In my defense, it was due to a rolling set of seizures and anxiety / panic attacks.]

What I have come to realize is that while I am loyal to a fault, my fear of abandonment drives me to run when I sense danger.  Run hard and run fast.  Yet given a distance, I will wait with patience.  This, however, is not how relationships are built.  Commitment at a distance is not investment, it's just distance and an unproductive reaction to feeling abandoned.

Ben, if you read this, please know that you are the love of my life,  I don't really know who I was when they switched me out on my meds, but I'm back to being me.  I've had a long think on stuff and things and I feel that the good and solid stuff and things have been reflected back at me.  You are huge one of those stuffs and things.  Please come back to our place and our bed.  It's the only way that I know how to sleep proper.

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