Friday, July 18, 2014

Synesthesia

I'm not quite ready to switch medications, because, overall, Keppra works well for me when I can adequately manage my stress levels.

What it doesn't do is mitigate the synesthesia.  Again, brains are very unique.  My synesthesia is exceptionally sensory based.  Sounds and thoughts are often colors, shapes, and flavors.  If I am not paying attention to what I am writing, for example [I can type by touch], I have to back up and translate the thoughts as though I had been speaking in a foreign tongue.  It's equally wonderful and exhausting.  It's also tough because it makes going, even to a cafe or restaurant something of a challenge as the sensory input can be absolutely overwhelming. 

This is an amazing thing about being with Ben: he is open to my quiet.  He will let me absently contemplate, by sight or gentle stroke, his hand for lengths of time and never feel the need for empty conversation.  My shoulders relax and my chest opens up.

I used to listen to music 24/7, but I don't now.  I'm quite judicious not because I don't like it but because all of those songs are already playing in my head.  It's a kind of constant soundtrack that never ends and adding another layer is true sensory overload.

When I lived in Portland, OR, I worked in a jazz club.  Jazz every night. So many amazing moments.  I'm a tad bit scared to go back to the jazz scene now. [FTR, I begged my mother to take me to the Mt. Hood Festival of Jazz when I was 10 - this is a lifelong love.]  There are moments of inspiration and exhilaration, when magic just happens.  It's electric.  You can see it on the musician's faces as they bounce musical ideas off of each other.  I remember looking around the restaurant and people would be paused, sometimes holding their forks on the way to their mouths, caught in that singular moment.  I wonder what it would be like now.  I wonder what I would see, taste, and feel if immersed in it again.  Would I seize or feel flow and freedom?

As always, life is a funny thing.

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