Monday, July 14, 2014

[Not so] suddenly, everything has changed

While actually, some of the changes were quite sudden, I never for a moment imagined that over 370 days would pass without my being actively employed.  I spent hundreds of hours pursuing opportunities, that sadly often ended up being sales positions, and a few that were so disorganized and frantic that the fact that they were in Ops made them even scarier.

With the wheels turning and my advocates and adjudicators moving things along, I've been able to relax a bit.  Not Maui relax, but dial down rolling anxiety / panic attack relax. It's still a frustrating and lengthy process, but *is* a process and I've stopped going fetal while developing new ways to stay organized [great for those synapses, poor things!] as well as actively manage medical conditions and agencies, while taking copious notes and retelling my story to the point where I can anticipate the questions before they arise.  It's a great deal of work, but, in reality, isn't life overall a great deal of work?  Even after a scorched earth experience, you dust yourself off and get up and do it again, even when that may mean a change of plans and a bit of rest.

When that dust does finally settle, I'm looking forward to the next step of physically and occupationally rehabing as things truly do change after TBIs and there is a LOT to both learn and  relearn.  I look forward to finding out exactly what I can handle professionally, and reintroducing myself to life in a job sector with a new brain and body that doesn't always do what I want it to do.  I look forward to the new challenges, but not the FiDi challenges of who closes this deal faster and more cheaply.  No more anxiety sweating discussions of ROI or CBA.

I look forward to the terrifying challenges of climbing the rickety steps of Twin Peaks with Ben and the fistpump of having walked two miles to the grocer and back, carrying back 20 pounds of goodness with zero assistance.  Someday, it will be four, and then, eight.  Yoga / pilates for balance and the treadmill [oh, how I love the treadmill!] for endurance and conditioning in a controlled environment.

Now that I am settling in, what I do like about approaching 400 days off is the quiet of waking at 3:30 and not having to answer tens of desperate emails, fight, or mask the noise of the world in order to think and to process NOW.  Ben, a bit of a wilderness guy by choice, was actually impressed at how well I knew my household's routines and neighborhood ebbs and flows.  This, I think, is what happens when you have time to be present and pay attention.  I'm not sure that I'm ready to return to an ever present 24 / 7 available clock for anyone but those dearest to me. 

[Though, floor two, you claim to be college educated.  Why you cannot grasp the physics of doors, windows, and walls is truly beyond me...and, yes, I noticed it even when I was employed and out of the house for 18 hours a day.  The 10PM to 3AM slamming, shutting, aggressive re-opening, re-closing, and drunken cooking that triggers fire alarms does get old and makes me question the validity of your diploma / degree / certification.  Can't you just go to Carl's Jr, eat it on MUNI, and then pass out in bed, half clothed?  Or fully clothed, for that matter!  It would be a favor to us all. Keep a bucket by your bed, BTW. You will never figure out how to use the door or wall or window quickly enough in any state of inebriation with which you actively punish the house.  Just handle your purge later when you are moderately sober and can clean up properly.  Not meant to sound bitter, but that is a bit of a circus down there.  Nearly every night.]

OTOH, what I do know is that being in that crazy school of anchovy competition is something that I do not miss, but perhaps that is something that each person has to go through in order to learn.


Here's to new days and new adventures.

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