Saturday, June 07, 2014

Sins of the Parents

Please allow me to preface this with the admission that the title is heavy handed. This being said, many religions claim that children have to carry or make amends for the sins of their fathers [read, parents.]

I realized this morning as I was taking my avoidance behavior to higher levels, that the reason that I have struggled so hard to move forward seeking assistance is that my mother's repeated suicide attempts and imaginary illnesses have made me feel as though I am also a faker. 

But I am not.

I saw those images of that clot in my brain. Ben was here as I seized and recovered, struggled to walk, and then did it [admittedly with much more effort than it feels that it should have been.] 

I collect bruises like Vegas card counters collect payouts.

The short story is that her brand of fraud and emotional manipulation became my brand of guilt as I knew it was a combination of mental illness and addiction that I wanted nothing to do with it but to which I felt responsible to be available in order to repair.  In a weird pay it backward way, I gave up a great deal trying to be an awesome daughter despite every unimaginable kind of abuse.  No, you do not want to know.  Please trust me.  I have no desire to go there again.

She had to get really over the top before I could walk away. I wish that it isn't what it is, but life has a way of happening.  And so it does.

The switch from "I wish" to "I will" is a big one.  It involves more than a few "moments", but it is worth it.

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