Wednesday, June 04, 2014

Acceptance

I have been trying to explain that there is a difference between acceptance and giving up.  Giving up is a dead ended street that you choose not to leave. Acceptance is a new path that you must choose how to navigate as you gain new skills.

Giving up is far easier, but acceptance is much more exciting.  Then again, I've rarely backed down from a challenge, but I admit to moments of, "Oh fuck it ALL!" only to have a sit down in order to figure out "where to go from here and how, exactly, do we tackle this?" sort of session.


Acceptance is also learning to just sit down or take a nap or say, "I'm really struggling right now." And be okay with it, though it is uncomfortable at the moment, because those are very normal and rarely discussed responses to stress and because they are moments of healing and they allow those around you to understand and respond and behave in ways that will make them feel important as well. I tend to recede out of a combined sense of shame and a focus on puzzling a problem through to its successful culmination.

So many times, people I have cared about responded with, "If I'd only known." It wasn't until Ben made a comment that it felt to him that because I wasn't fighting for what I needed, I wasn't fighting to remain in his life. While being a rough translation of the exact exchange, these are the salient points.  I was finally able to immediately switch mental roles and see how painful it is to watch someone you love not act lovingly toward themselves.  Substance abuse on any level was not involved, but impossible work hours and a highly abusive familial relationship very much were.

A brain injury made me sit down and reassess everything.  It had to happen twice or perhaps, you just call that "compounded". Not fun, but I am full of nothing but gratitude.

Never be afraid to take a rest.  Never be afraid to ask for help.  Never stop getting back up. 

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