Saturday, May 31, 2014

"Be the lightning in me that strikes relentless"

Last Saturday, at 5:45AM, a cab pulled up and took us to the airport.  I had promised that I would not cry and kept that promise until I exited the airport lobby after watching him clear TSA.  The tears that I did, and have since wept, are a mix of angsty wistfulness at his absence and joy at his existence.

In general, we text each other throughout the day each day.  I have said before that I do not like beginnings.  This is especially true of relationships.  I like the worn, soft, and slightly shredded level of relationship that resembles a beloved pair of jeans. I'm less a weather talker than I am a shared experience / inside joke sort of person.  That's when I feel as though I know and am known.  Whether that's seeing something and busting out in laughter because we know what that means about a shared moment in the past or shaking one's head and saying, "Oh, Moon Moon!" and both, or the group, knowing exactly why.

I will finally wash the sheets of our bed today as his smell has faded.  Nearly every romantic relationship has been based on a fluid sense of companionability, but this one has been like finding the other half of me.  Not in a way that is about sameness, but about discovering and sharing wonder and awe with one another and getting it and then wanting more.  Many times, in extended periods of shared, comfortable silence. 

20 days together and maybe 2 hours spent apart [I mean, I vomited in front of him because I couldn't reach the bathroom while he coaxed and calmed me down. Trust me, I would reciprocate, but my dignity was damned in those moments.]  Never have I done that span of time or been as vulnerable with another person without thinking felonious "do not touch me!" thoughts.  Never have I felt as much pure and calm joy for that expanse with another person.

So, in Snow Patrol's words, I have found the lightning "that strikes relentless."

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