Friday, September 29, 2006
Monday, September 18, 2006
Saturday, September 09, 2006
The 'fuck it bucket'
Whomever wrote that seems to know I don't like candy as this particular bucket contained audio of David Sedaris' Me Talk Pretty One Day and Eddie Izzard's Circle. Awesome, awesome, awesome. I've been laughing my ass off all morning. Sedaris, especially, reading his own work, and especially imitating his brother Paul aka 'The Rooster' in the chapter "You Can't Kill the Rooster" is pure comic gold and has looooong been favorite of mine.
And thanks so much for this reminder, too:
You are a WEDL--Wacky Emotional Destructive Leader. This makes you an anarchist. You don't give a damn. When push comes to shove, you just forget about it--it's just not worth the heartache. What this means for others is that dealing with you can be aggravating, because they find they can't get you motivated about things they care about. What this means for you is that you are happier, calmer, and saner then they are on their best days.
You are near-immune to criticism, and those who know you well acknowledge and respect that. You may come across as lazy, but the truth is that you find little to get worked up about. Regardless, you have slews of friends, because they are fascinated by your world view, jealous of your lifestyle, and drawn to the fact that you are hilarious to be around.
You are a pillar in a sea of hot-bloodedness. You have a sweet tooth.I have no idea who sent those to me, but thank you so very much for the thoughtfulness, laughs and timely reminder.
But I do know that it was bmarkey, my favorite midnight radio cowboy and middle of the night email buddy, who sent sent me a fantastic mix. I love it, b! And Rich, fellow flickr fiend and friend whose capacity for the insane never ceases to amaze me, who pulled off a major hook up. Pa. La. Bra. Seriously. Just wait till I start working the mad skilz, yo.
Finally, to mudpuppie, who somehow knew exactly the right words to say.
Nothing's changed, but nothing's really the same, either. And that, I think, is a very good thing.
Friday, September 08, 2006
*a happy dance to the right*
*a happy dance to the left*
*shake it like a chorus girl all around*
Thursday, September 07, 2006
On Hammers and the Throwing of
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
So, I didn't actually dream of robots, but after a very long conversation with a friend who pointed out that I might be serving as an obstacle in their process and questioning how fair that was on my end to remain in the mix, and after writing a long letter to Joe, I did have a dream. In that dream, Joe showed up on my doorstep. I was full of mixed emotions as I had already told him goodbye, but he told me that he wanted to give me a foot massage. Please, to just let him rub my feet. [And understand that neither of us has a foot fetish or kink like that; it was a very emotional, but non-erotic request.] So I invited him in and we sat on the stairs while he gave me a massage. As he did, he sang "All is Full of Love" to me.
you'll be given love
you'll be taken care of
you'll be given love
you have to trust it
maybe not from the sources you have poured yours
maybe not from the direction you are staring at
twist your head around
it's all around you
all is full of love
all around you
all is full of love
you just ain't receiving
all is full of love
your phone is off the hook
all is full of love
your doors are all shut
all is full of love
in any language
all is full of love......
I know it won't come as a surprise that I woke up crying, but this is that whole 'the only way out is through' thing. If I had to lose someone, in a sense, I'm glad that it's someone who left me a little, no...a great deal richer for having had that connection. I'll spare details, but I will say that no one, through his own genuine personality, warmth and intelligence has ever, and I do mean ever, made me feel so cherished, beautiful and amazing as Joe has. I'm not saying he's perfect, either. He does have this odd aversion to clogs, for example.... But again, if I have to lose something, at least it's something that's raised the bar and changed the playing field.
I guess the consolation prize is that I get to still wear my beloved clogs.
There is always that.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Preface: This'll be an incredibly disjointed entry, meant less as navel gazing or wallpaper wallowing as a processing of what is happening in my brain and heart. Neither of which is pleased with me at the moment. At all.
From Farscape, is a short exchange between John and Aeryn when they know they're likely doomed, but have admitted the depth of their emotions to one another.
John: You know what scares the hell out of me? From the first moment I laid eyes on you, I could never see the end.
Aeryn: What scares me is I always could.
I don't know how that applies to this situation but it was a thought that rolled though my head in the early hours this morning. Of how doom and desire and destiny - if you want to call it or believe in that - can converge. Beautiful things happen when they ought not. How we make decisions understanding the possibilities, but not understanding their possible weight or deeper impact. On how what can mean something quite cursory today can become something incredibly significant very quickly under the right circumstances. Less in a star crossed sense, but in the sense that they create a kind of moment and a space. Almost an emotional singularity. One that's both beyond definiton or expectation, but one that has such distilled strength and pull as to profoundly affect its surroundings. Ultimately, it's these kind of moments that make being human magic. In my humble estimation, that is. Even when they break your heart.
It never occurred to me that Joe wouldn't go back to her, that part always seemed clear to me. Ironically, that's exactly one of the things that released me to be as open and transparent as I was with him, what deeply fueled an intimacy I'm not sure I ever recall experiencing with anyone else, on all of the levels that we touched, and we touched on a great deal. Being so cavalier about things, what additionally didn't occur to me was that I would become so attached, that our exchange would become so rich and meaningful. I mean, I knew I could and that it might, on a purely logical level, but let's consider my track record, shall we? Which is to say, I knew where it could go but paid little heed as my famed package of altruism and emotional distance has always kept me so very safe.
Even as I watch him walk away to fill a dream he's had for so long and find happiness with someone else, I can neither be angry with him or feel regret, let alone bitterness. [....Though I do have to admit that working in a very busy date restaurant right now is something of a Faustian bargain and quite possibly the ultimate appetite suppressant.] I feel, in a number of ways that I've brushed against a possibility that has altered my world view. In a good way: I've discovered something I really didn't know existed and that gives me hope.On one of the sign in pages for flickr there's a quote from Agnes Repplier: A puppy is but a dog, plus high spirits minus common sense. I think that's an apt description of my heart. It's important to understand that there's a part of me that's genuinely happy for him to have this chance, regardless of how much I want to be the source of that happiness and desire [and, Lord, do I.] Regardless of how much it hurts. And I think it's no secret that it does...and even as I prepare to say goodbye and figure out what the hell is next and how to fill the many hours a day that definitively became his temporal and emotional real estate in my world. Even then, I know that should the two of them do what they have to do and it not work out; should he turn up on my doorstep after getting himself worked out and want to give it a go, barring a conflicting committment on my part, I would do just that. In a heartbeat. Silly, stupid Frisbee, indeed.
Conversely, the chances of that actually happening are so slim to none as to be beyond calculation or consideration.
In plain English, I realize that while hope may spring eternal, I am absolutely SOL.
How's that for a "What I Did This Summer" essay?
On a lighter & happier note [read: excuse me while I preen for a moment], not only did one of my most admired fellow SF photogs add me as a contact, but two of my most admired fellow bloggers, 'bought some of my blogshares'. Hardly Noble Prize and Poet Laureate status, but enough to put a much needed wiggle in my walk.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Dee ewe en
Earlier this week, I told him that just because it was the end of the beginning, it didn't mean it was the beginning of the end. Unfortunately, my heart doesn't seem to believe that.
Thank God I don't make a habit of this falling in love stuff. And the next time it happens, can't I do it with someone who can be at the same place with me? Not to say that one of us is ahead of the other, just...so close. So fucking far.
To be really fair, I do need another six months before I'm on top of my game in all aspects...but still. If anyone's seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and the scenes where he's watching his memories/treasured moments being erased and rails against the process...whatever it is I'm feeling is like that. And that impossible moment in the bed on the beach in the snow. I have no idea why that stuck with me, but it did.
There have been a number of times it sucked to walk away or watch things come to an end, but I just don't remember the last time I struggled so hard with letting bygones be bygones, with letting go. Perhaps my 'catch and release' philosophy has come back to bite me in the ass.
Or maybe I just need to get that dog. I'm telling you....
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Admittedly, it was nice to dull the roar of emotion and adrenaline and enjoy the sense of community about jointly recounting the various points of WTFF?!? Anyone from the industry knows the drill, but this was rather unprecedented: not only short staffed and someone walks, but a piece of non combustible equipment catches fire randomly, a wine glass falls apart as a guest raises it to their lips, walk ins exceeding reservations by two...I mentioned that we were understaffed, right? That just scratches the surface. But the fact remains that, in the end, I'm not a fan of getting drunk and I'm definitely not a fan of escapist drinking. If nothing else, I'm not getting any younger and, dear lord, do I pay the next day.
And this could be the first Sunday in six without the carpenter in one form or another. There's part of me...much of me actually, that wants to be clear. I'm not sure why. Perhaps I really am a masochist when it comes down to it. More than that, though, is that my imagination can be my worst enemy. Containing it is in my own best interest.
But while poking about, waiting for the Alka Seltzer to ease my head with its tasty goodnees, I came across these three wonderful videos:
Naked As We Came - Iron and Wine. I think I first saw this a year or so ago and found it again. I keep waiting for Sam Beam to do something that I don't like. Has yet to happen.
Dayvan Cowboy - Boards of Canada. Was clued in to this by cliptip, but never could get his link to work so I hunted another down. Well worth the effort. Full of space and sea, and the vastness of each that the footages aptly inspire. I love this video.
Millionaire - Kelis featuring Andre 3000. Another cliptip heads up; a timely discovery.