Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Endings and beginnings

Awhile ago, I made it a solid goal to pay off my student loans by spring of '07. A few years back, when I set that goal, '07 seemed so far away. Now, not only is it looming large on the horizon, but I appear to be on track for meeting this goal. With the additional bump of putting off the Mac and learning to love black beans, I'm that much closer.

In the spirit of 'ask of the Universe what you will, but be ready to hit the ground running', I started thinking about what I'll do when, in for the first time in 20 years, I have nothing to answer to beyond food and lodging. There will be the obvious squirreling away of funds, but past that.... If I had, say, 4 or 6 months to be driven by whim entirely, what would I do?

Chatting with my funk soul brother, mosch, early this morning, exchanging ideas and dreams, I was surprised at what came to the surface. He, of course, wants to take Mrs. mosch and mini mosch to Europe and live some kind of pastoral life. [Very selfishly, I'm all for this plan of action on his part as one can never have too many friends in exotic locales.]


I'd love to travel as well, but wouldn't likely become an ex-pat, at least not for long. What I'd like is to do more than a week in Chicago. The jazzhead in me really wants to see what autumn in New York is like. I'd like to spend Christmas through New Years and then some back with the folks. I'd like very much to have lunch with a certain carpenter.

What crept up that surprised me most, as it seemed to come out of nowhere, was to find my dad's grave and spend an afternoon talking to him. Tell him that I miss him every day, that I grew up to be an ok person; someone that I think he'd be proud of. Tell him that I never stopped loving him. Tell him the goodbye I didn't get to tell him 30 something years ago. But not before telling him again how much I still love him.

It's funny what your heart calls to the stand when given free rein.

And regardless of what happens, I'm determined to get a dog. Maybe I'll even call him Jack.

Monday, August 28, 2006

And now for something completely different...


I'm horrible at being pathetically sad. Outside of kissing and making up, I dig up funny stuff to make myself feel better. This out of print book is one such example:
Then Some Other Stuff Happened
edited by Bill Lawrence


If you can find a cheap used copy on Amazon, it's worth picking up. Especially if you're an American history buff.

Chapter 1
Around The Round

The story of America is told in sagas. Sagas are mid evil tales about certain men who did certain things. Such men as: Davey Crochet, Daniel Boone, Jessie James, Robing Hood and the Vikings.

Getting Our Longatute

The Vikings saw America first. They discovered Japan and Jamacia and claimed they discovered Greenland, but it was really part of Canada.

Eric the Red was a Viking leader. He was called Eric the Red because he sailed the Red Sea a lot. His son, Leaf Ericson, was blown off course and discovered Finland.

All the Vikings wore odd kinds of hats.

Vikings and other early sailors sailed with an astrolobe, an instrument for finding the longatute of yourself. That is, it showed sailors where the sun, moon, and stars were.

Cathay was another insturment for getting your longatute and latatute and for telling how far away the horizin is.

About the ninth century the Mohammeds overun the Holly Land under their leader, a man named Moslem. The Crusaders tried to get the Holly Land back so they could unite the world and go to America.

One of the greatest Crusaders was Richard the Lion Harded, King of Urope. Richard went off on a Crusade and left the throne to John, his greety brother. Prince John made a mess of the throne and Robing Hood had to come and straighten it out. The Crusaders brought back luxuries which increased the trade between Asia and the Far East and made people want to find better ways to get to America. One of the Crusader ships was captured and used in going to the U.S.

Marco Polo had already discovered China. Marco Polo was from Venus, Italy, where everybody speaks Italian. HIs name means "Great Khan" in the Italian.

Well, Marco Polo and the Crusaders were blown off course and all but one ship, the one Marco Polo was on, decided to stick to the job so they came to land on Oct. 12, 1942, and they called it America.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

No bueno

The longer the days that pass, the less certain I feel that I've made the right decision.

I think I'm completely screwed.

Long Hot Summer

This weekend I said goodbye to one of the the most incredible people I've ever met. While I think that he's off to experience bigger and better things, it doesn't change the fact that somehow he expertly filled a place that I didn't realize needed or wanted attention and now leaves a void that I can't imagine otherwise filling.

I think and hope I did the right thing, but my heart is in the tiniest of pieces. I'm hardly able to fathom how much it hurts.

Fucking wimp.


I play out my role
Why, I've even been out walking
They tell me that it helps
But I know when I'm beaten
All those lonely films
And all those lonely parties
But now the feeling is off-screen
And the tears for real, not acted anymore
I'm all mixed up inside
I want to run but I can't hide
And however much we try
We can't escape the truth and the fact is
Don't matter what I do
It don't matter what I do
Don't matter what I do
Don't matter what I do
Don't matter what I do
'Cause I end up hurting you

One more covered sigh
And one more glance, you know, means goodbye
Can't you see thats why
We're dashing ourselves against the rocks of a lifetime

(in my mind different voices call)
What once was pleasure now's pain for us all
(in my heart only shadows fall)
I once stood proud now I feel so small
(I don't know whether to laugh or cry)
The long hot summer just passed me by

I want to run but I can't hide
-Paul Weller

Joe, I'm so very sorry. I wish I was stronger.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

The irony is not lost on me

that my social/recreational world has become so head explodingly bizarre that crossing things off my 'to do' list is practically an escapist activity and doing chores qualifies as avoidance behavior.

Freak.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

High camp

Snakes on a Plane. It comes out tomorrow. I'm looking forward to seeing the final product - if only to hear the cheer that goes up when Samuel L. Jackson declares, "That's it! I've had it with these muthafuckin' snakes on this muthafuckin' plane!!"

The video by Cobra Starship "I suggest you grab your ankles and kiss your ass goodbye." Oh, snap!

The snake sock puppet rap. No really. [for the bunnies, of course]

All your snakes are belong to us. Observe the power of the intarweb, memes and FARK. Oh, what a wonderful world. *snicker*

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Conundrums and crossroads

Back to the dream series! I know how you've missed it.... This one is uncharacteristically short, but one that's pulled me from my sleep and stuck by me in the quiet hours this morning.

I'm standing at a crossroad, it's a warm, slightly windy night, at the edge of a beach. Looking across the water, perhaps a bay of some kind, I can see the beautiful shimmering lights from houses. The ocean smells amazing. I feel immensely happy and calm. As I stare at the water and take in my surroundings, consider going for a nightswim, I hear whispered in my ear, "Don't disappear."

Of course, you know where I went to further ponder the various 'portents' of said dream.

DreamScape Analysis
Aug 16 2006 6:07:28 AM

Primary Aspect:

crossroad

Secondary Aspects:

night lights beach wind request

Dream Analysis:

Psychologically, roadways or paths symbolize choices & decisions in life. This may reflect a recent decision you've made or one you're presently considering. The nature of the road in your dream represents your feelings in the matter. For instance, a straight road indicates a clear choice with few distractions. A branching road suggests indecision. Metaphorically, one choice calls you, yet you can't prevent yourself from looking over your shoulder at the other road as the two diverge.

Consider the roadway or path in this dream. Did you have a choice of direction to travel?

Yes.

This symbolizes the options confronting you, Frisbee. Pay attention to the details of your dream - such as whether the avenues open to you are pleasant or disquieting. These details reflect your intuition & feelings about a particular choice.

Recall the pleading or prayer in your dream. Was this plea imploring the help of a higher being?

No.

Then you may be expressing a want or craving in this dream - perhaps covertly desiring someone's attentions or affections. Needs which cannot be openly expressed often appear as dream symbols.

Have you been sensing that change of some kind is imminent in your life, Frisbee?

Yes.

Then interpret the atmospheric conditions in your dream as symbolizing the winds of change. This usually indicates that material concerns are moving into the background as matters of the heart, family, or spirituality take precedence. But it may also represent more practical concerns, such as changes in your job or schooling. The intensity of weather reflects your level of concern regarding this upcoming change.

Recall the water or liquid in your dream. Was it contained or prevented from flowing freely?

No.

Then interpret this symbol as a subconscious attempt to put something behind you - perhaps an error or mistake you've made. It's time to move on and acknowledge you can't change the past. It's water under the bridge.

There was a symbol of light in your dream - was this light blinding or somehow destructive?

No.

Then interpret this dream as an attempt to gain understanding or awareness of some issue or event. You're trying to bring the matter to light. The tenacity of your efforts is symbolized by the brilliance of the dream light. The brighter the light, the more intense your examination.

The shadows or night symbol in your dream mean that you're not seeing clearly or are exploring unknown parts of your personality. Metaphorically, you're groping around in the emotional darkness. Was there any fear or apprehensiveness associated with this dream image?

No.

Good, Frisbee. Even if you're having difficulty seeing the whole picture, a lack of fear suggests that your exploration won't be slowed - and you'll soon see what's been hidden from your psychological view.

Your dream analysis is complete. Pleasant dreams, Frisbee.



I already had a pretty good idea of what my mind was mulling in the dream, but it makes me oddly thrilled that the analysis program seems to so often nail it. While the specific details aren't that important [ha! you knew I'd say that], something I've noticed in the past few months is that whatever - in the distant or recent past - has fueled my singular drive for and white knuckled attachment to all things independent and security has receded into the background. That urgency has ebbed away and in its place is not only that quiet ease but a gentle happiness and calm clarity I could have only dreamt of previously.

I'm still confounded by things and I still have momentary freak outs, but the difference is that now, almost quickly as the idea to flip the fuck out starts, I remember that I don't need to. Really, I don't. Inventing tragedy and pre-living it so that you can manufacture it in order to experience it and then relive it in some post traumatic haze has got to be the worst idea in the history of bad ideas I can conjure up.

Of course, I also realize that this is an open invitation for the universe to take these new synaptic pathways on a rigorous test drive [read:
soundly kick my ass.] The holiday season does start in just weeks, after all. But as the boys used to say during pre-shift, "Let the games begin."

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Addendum

It has just come to my attention that I've managed to kill a large potted plant of ivy. A sturdy, non invasive cultivar I've had for months and months. Actually, well over a year.

Ivy!!

How in hell does someone kill ivy?!?


*scuffs dirt and hangs head in shame, grumbling*

Two [Jumbo] months off

Courtesy, again, of Underworld and in homage to warpup's echos exercises of days past on Tribe. A mental, emotional and musical mash up. It seems that this year has been literally infused by Underworld and in ways I'd have never expected. Where the hell they get off being so great for over 20 years [just try discounting Freur and 'Doot Doot'], I have no idea, but that's another thought for another day. Today, it's about how they take the oddest verbal and musical pieces and pare them down, snapshots almost, nonono....moments - singular and significant - captured and encapsulated then presented in a way that strikes a deep chord both viscerally and cerebrally.

There was a little drawing of a heart next to that,
                  followed by an exclaimation mark.
The back of his was covered in stuff... stuff like:
Brandon is not a very nice guy, but Alex is sooo nice.
And that had the exclaimation thing too.

It was just silly crap that hit the spot. And he let himself be drawn in.

jumbo.

- brother there's a little sale on, uh, vests at, uh, Walmart?
...nine dollar.

- Oh yeah?

- eight some, yeah...nice little vest, light.

(hammer pounding)


click...

i need sugar i need a little watersugar
i get thoughts about you and the night it wants me
like a little lost child
locked in a safe place
lookin out the window
the dark move fast past
the window
the dark on the otherside of
the locked door

click...

my thumb's on a tetris keyring moving in brilliant timing
you pick up the phone
and i'm imagining

click...

tiny wires in her ears
(slide into the city)
tiny wires in her ears
(slide into the city)

click...

- expected early in the mornin'

rising in the morning stopped to you (beneath the feet of the city)
click
you disconnect from me
click
when you're gone you take your century

telephone breath between us the whole world is between us
only these wires
dust between the wires
and the green grass

in the distance
i am your tourist

- expected early in the mornin'

moving in brilliant timing...

- i search for this spot then find you fellas hangin around at the same
stump...and you're right there with 'em

- well, i've never fished here, but i caught beaucoup fish in reverend
burton.

- i never did catch fish here

- beaucoup fish in reverend burton


i need sugar...
click...
- expected early in the mornin'
you disconnect from me...

I don't know exactly what to say as a segue or an explanation. It's been crazy days. The final push before vacation; vacation; the return to six day weeks and opening; the Jack Ass Extraodinaire; the slap and grab attempt at taking my phone - which I guess is the thing here - and chasing their sorry asses down, both categorically WTF? moves.

Seriously.

And, in the midst, surfacing to join the land of those who have a pulse after placing myself squarely on the sidelines for a year. Finding out, definitively, that I am not incombustible. A discovery that's been duly noted, but not entirely addressed. And a point at/on which I tend to stammer, in some situations. Perhaps the worst situations. But there it is and what can you do? It's like recounting some race to a distance nowhere, and maybe that's just it: that we are all tourists in one another's distance.

I don't know that I'll ever know the answer to that possibility...but it's a worthy idea to chew on.

I think.