Tuesday, May 24, 2005

You *know* I'm going to analyze this one

I'm on the 22, headed for an interview. There is an enormous man in front of me. Easily 500+ pounds and clearly in distress. He and the bus driver are having a conversation. Seems his busstop is farther away than he'd expected and now he is unable to hold in his bowel movement. A runny one at that. As the bus makes an emergency stop, he's just standing in the aisle, sort of grunting and moaning. We get him outside and I get him into the basket of a hot air balloon. We get that going, drift it out over the valley, over a sinkhole, where he slowly lowers the balloon, slips into an impossibly tiny hole and gets washed away.

This apparently being the proper way of handling grossly obese, incontinent men in the alternate universe of Frisbee Dreamland, we dust off our hands with great satisfaction and head home. Once there, my friend Darla (as in a grown up version of Darla from "The Little Rascals" - wtf?) begins hanging out around the bay windows in the living room and dining room. I come over to see what she's looking at.

I notice a strange man with polarized sunglasses lurking around the next door neighbor's house. I scream. He screams and runs around the side of the house. I think about calling the police. He pokes his head around the other side of the house, sees me and disappears, screaming again. He repeats this several more times, not unlike a hyper toddler caught in the throes of peek-a-boo.

Darla tells me he's flirting with me. Her tone is biting and I sense that she is mad at both of us because of this and to avoid an argument and because
I have no place for a piece of information like that, I choose to ignore him instead. I mean what am I going to do, flirt back with the nutter lurking outside? I think not. But Darla would. Darla is a girly-girl, alternately simpering, pouty, demanding, whiny and clinging - completely focused on getting and keeping the attention of any male in a five mile range. We're polar opposites, my lack of concern drives her nuts, but I think she's crazy anyway, so I don't worry about it.

Then Napoleon Dynamite shows up with a 'very delicious' cheddar and jalapeno grilled cheese sandwich he's made for me. He gives some to Darla, but she seems agitated. He asks me what I'm doing that night and I am non-committal, telling him that I'll call him later. A shows up with two huge cheeseburgers from McDonald's. Gives me mine and drops the other, which he then gives to Darla. Her agitation increases as A and I discuss his plans for the night. Though it seems that we may have had tentative plans, he's going to see his dad. I talk about a movie later on, tell him to call if he wants.

A leaves and Darla goes apeshit. She's not only upset that I'm getting the attention that she wants, but that I could take or leave it, furthermore, she's pissed at me because I'm not pissed at A for not taking me to sushi. (Aha! So we did have tentative plans!)

The doorbell rings, I ask Darla to get it. It's the screamer. I leave them alone, thinking some quality time might do her some good and go out the back door.


[this one's going to be good]

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