Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Saxifrage

The next week or so is the worst period, just a stupid span of time punctuated by waves of base and abject sadness and general suckage. That and an impetuous impatience (how dare something like a bruised heart threaten to break my stride?) Usually, I have some sort of gainful employemnt to throw myself into until the dust settles, but this time, it's just a lot of job hunting and contemplating my navel.

I had a dream this evening. I was on a boat that was traveling through an amazing path of galactic clusters. For awhile, Logan was with me. We were talking about the clusters and making plans for the upcoming Spoon show. We pulled up beside another boat and as he switched boats to be with his girlfriend, he handed me a postcard. It was from A and it was postmarked from both Florida and Guam (WTF?) It said:

Everything hits at once
What we need is just what we want
I go to sleep but think that you're next to me
I go to sleep and think you're next to me

We continued through the clusters and the boat captain told me not to forget to check my text messages. When I looked at my cell there was a text from A that read:

I'll never hold you back
And I won't force my will
I will no longer do the Devil's wishes....
But I will be there with you when you turn out the light
Said I will be there with you when you turn out the light
I will be there with you when you turn out the light

I started to put my phone away and a second text came through from A:

If there’s anything you want
Come on back ‘cause it’s all still here
I’ll be in the back room drinking my half of the beer…
And now time is my time
Time is my own
And I feel so alive yet feel so alone
'Cause you know you’re the one and that that hasn’t changed

Now, I have had Spoon on the brain (the quotes are from Spoon songs: 'Everything Hits At Once', 'Paper Tiger' & 'Anything You Want', respectively) and have been in contact with Logan as we're planning to see them in June when they hit SF, but the content of those specific quotes is nothing short of a complete mindfuck. This is where I become my own worst enemy and would do just about anything to turn my brain off. I suppose that this is just how the heart lays desire to rest. It's just been a long time since my brain and heart were so diametrically opposed. Funny how easily one forgets. A little twisted, actually.

It's the longing that I hate the most. I never long when I'm in the relationship (or at least, I try to only be in relationships where longing doesn't come into play) because every moment is full of the potential of some sort of interaction with the object of my affection. My phone, for example, was once this magical pixie of possibility. A could have been calling at any time. That potential transformed it into a perpetual gift bearer of sorts. "Did he call?" [Hours later.] "Oooooh! How 'bout now?!" [Hours later.] "What about...NOW?!?" And the thing is, he always did. My excited impatient patience was always rewarded. No longer.

But I know that I did the right thing, even if it is a sad way to close a chapter. Regardless of how much it sucks. And suck it does.

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