Friday, January 14, 2005

The Prodigal Parent Returns...Again

Seven and a half years later.

An empty envelope. "ADDRESS SERVICE REQUEST" highlighted in pink. Pink?! She hates pink.

My last name, which is her last name, is misspelled.

An empty envelope.

Seven and a half years later.

And all that I can think of is this:

Your body may be gone, I'm gonna carry you in.
In my head, in my heart, in my soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both live again.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Don't think so.

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail.
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile.

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I hope so.

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail.
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile.

Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky.
You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye.
When the earth folded on itself.
And said "Good luck, for your sake I hope heaven and hell
are really there, but I wouldn't hold my breath."
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
The more we move ahead the more we're stuck in rewind.
Well I don't mind. I don't mind. How the hell could I mind?

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.

Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky.
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste the afterlife?

"The Ocean Breathes Salty" - Modest Mouse


All I can think is that for over 3 decades she had the chance to do it right and for so many years she either couldn't or didn't. The constructed crises, the fake suicides, the terminal illnesses that were in reality pure conjecture, the very real mind fucks upon mind fucks for years upon years; should I feel anything but a deeply suspicious distrust at this? Now?

How long and hard have I fought for this life that I have always wanted, thought possible and love so very much? How many oceans of broken glass have I crawled across to reach this shore and this present that I have worked so goddamned hard to make real? If she for one moment thinks that an empty envelope can be tossed into the post and be used as a calling card to demand my presence/energy and the responsibility of the good daughter to come back to the fold, she has one motherfucking thing after another coming.

Am I mad? Yes. I am fucking LIVID. Past livid actually, I'm at the point of cold detachment. My love and those chains have been yanked far too many times for me to respond now with anything but abject and near incomprehensible disbelief. I mean really: what the fucking fuck?

We've had so many chances, I have come back so many times, I have tried so many times to make reparations, justifications, allowances, pleaded, explained away, hidden things from others on her behalf, only to have it turned around on me, only to be accused of ingratitude and selfishness. Time and fucking time time again. But this is my world and my life now. I refuse to give it up. Any of it.



Sunny came home with a list of names
She didn't believe in transcendence
It's time for a few small repairs she said
Sunny came home with a vengeance


"Sunny Came Home" - Shawn Colvin

1 comment:

  1. (speechless. what the words felt like: heartache, love, hope, anger, despair, regroup, armored love, pain, pain, self-erected strength, defiance, hope...phew) good stuff.

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