From full speed forward to retrograde in under 72 hours. I may have broken a record. A new personal best, as it were. I blinked. I spooked. I didn't just break that glass, I fucking pulverized it. Nothing left but the palpitations of anxiety from a near miss and the stinging dust that coats everything. Such a bizarre talent for unintentional and naive destruction. I never saw it coming. Logic, a moment before impact, noted that speeds so high were neither meant for long term growth or safe landing purposes. Observation dispassionately commented, "That'll leave a mark," as the smoke cleared. Earlier, with vision clear, I was running the distance for the long haul and a barely nascent concept. Now, my eyes are hooded and I'm running to a distance nowhere in order to leave this behind for a while and curl up inside the safe and warm. Eviscerate this memory. Stupid, stupid, stupid, simple, surreptitious and slippery girl. Forever exploding in brilliant disaster and then hiding behind the sun and going underground. Will I never learn?
Something similar is what I posted to ‘echos of footfalls’ (sic) earlier. Settling down more now, but still at odds. Finding a middle ground or solid ground again, is tough. In recent days, a good friend of mine and I crossed ‘the line’ with one another. In general, I have no problem with hanky panky between consenting and responsible adults who both know and agree to the rules/score. I tend to keep casual involvements to casual friends: guys whom I know, enjoy and circulate with, but are not principal to my core circle of friends. I’ve always considered my core group and family of choice to be strictly off-limits. For the most part, I’ve done a good job of keeping this rule when picking my play partners. This would not be one such example.
I’ll call him ‘Fernet’. In the event that he ever reads this, he’ll at least get a chuckle out of that. We work together, spent our 4th – 12th grades years in the same area – sometimes by mere blocks, share similarly bizarre family histories, sense of humor, social dynamics and points of reference. Over the past few months we’ve gotten to know a good bit about each other and seem to share personal info with one another that we share with few others. I have commented a number of times that we feel like we’re siblings and partners in crime. He’s a very attractive individual on many levels, but we’re not match material. And while there’s an undeniable chemistry between us, I’ve never seen it as sexual or romantic. It’s simply that, I think that we’re each instigators in our independent right and together we become a nearly self sustaining system that has an even harder time not pushing boundaries as we spur each other on.
Perhaps it was a mistake to tell him how much I liked being ‘one of the boys’ because I wasn’t considered to be on the list of the ‘hotties they’d like to tap’. Perhaps it was the mutual appreciation session on the back porch where we told each other how important we were to each other and that we wouldn't lose touch after getting new jobs. Perhaps I'm just an asshat. Occam's Razor says....
I was getting to be a regular at his house. There is no shortage of admiration between he and my friends. Our respective families were starting to get in the mix together and liking it. But we crossed that line and now there’s no going back and moving forward is to traverse a dead zone that sucks for all involved. Now, I’m ‘that’ girl and he's 'that' guy. And not in the, 'hey, this is a funny story' kind of way, more of a 'sure sucks to be you, dude' way. My all-access pass has been revoked. My presence gets to be danced around, skirted, flat out avoided and negotiated when necessary. Now, I dread his presence and avert my eyes. Now the tension is not exhilarating and inviting, but alienating and distant.
I’m losing a good friend and I hate it. Stupid, silly, sad Frisbee and my brilliant career, indeed.