Friday, April 23, 2004

'I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, - S.O.C.#14

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.

It's not as morbid as it sounds. All of those dreams for the last 15 years of the baby, the girl, the young woman with the hole in her heart, the woman into whom the wizened creature reached and, approvingly, could not longer find the hole, the woman peacefully dead in my bed. All of those dreams marking the birth, growth and death of the me who had to reach her fruition so that me that I am now and am meant to be could emerge.

When I got here, as predicted, I woke up crying. Body racking sobs. Joy, relief, sadness, grief, wonderment, disbelief, certainty, utter clarity and complete presence. I did not hold myself tight to hold it back, but let it wash over me and through me in beautiful, dizzying, cacophonic waves. And then, stillness. Stillness. Stillness.

Her world collapsed early Sunday morning
She got up from the kitchen table
Folded the newspaper and silenced the radio
Those creatures jumped the barricades
And have headed for the sea, sea

Those creatures jumped the barricades
and have headed for the sea
She began to breathe
To breathe at the thought of such freedom
Stood and whispered to her child, belong
She held the child and whispered
With calm, calm; belong

Stood and whispered to her child, belong
She held the child and whispered
With calm, calm; belong

These barricades can only hold for so long
Her world collapsed early Sunday morning
She took the child held tight
Opened the window
A breath, this song, how long
and knew, knew: belong
-R.E.M., 'Belong'

Breathe, indeed. Belong, yes! I earned and own my skin. I earned and now own my life.

Saturday, April 17, 2004

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

Frisbees everywhere - S.O.C. #12

skjgshg skgwg l kg lgsklf ;af l;g wlg wLg ]wlg L

Big drippy tears, lots of laughter. You guys have made this day into a great big Easter Egg Hunt. I'm honored and humbled and feel sleek and special and sure of something: You guys are the absolute best. I could not in a thousand guesses have anticipated this and I am deeply moved.

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

'If you've got no other choice, you know you can follow my voice' - S.O.C. #11

How did I get to be so lucky as to have so many good friends? So many good things? Time on the phone with a good friend brings clarity and the world is righted again. Dunno why that reaching out can be so hard, but it's much easier when met with a warm and loving hand on the receiving end.

The days are counting down. Hated being ill, but trying to remember some self forgiveness in the meantime. I'm sure the office dislikes me, but what can I do? Nothing, nothing, nothing. Stomach was tied in knots, couldn't keep anything down, but we're done with that all now. Just moving forward now.

well i'm swearing to god
yeah, i'm so nervous
i can not feel anything
save the tips of my fingers
whenever comes
just might not be the moment
raise the roof, yeah let's get out of this
my friends
20th century
my friends
my friends
pay attention y'all
to the signs
pay attention to the questions
let the energy rise to the moment
yeah, that look in your eyes no description
my friends
20th century
just a little bit farther...
-Brad, "20th Century"