A return of sorts

I won't post some silly song and dance about 'being back' as I still have very mixed ideas about the purpose of a blog and of cultivating an audience, but I'm back to where I always seem to land: writing keeps me sane.  More than anything, I just need a place to process.  I could keep this in hard form or on a harddrive on any number of devices that I have, but the immediacy and universal access have a functionality that's hard to pass on...so I'll give this one more concerted effort and see what I can come with on this go-round.

That said: Let the games begin!

Four words. Two details.

Am so pleased to have found an end to the awful unknowing hell of thinking that B was angry / hurt beyond reparation or, worse, physically ill in some sudden way.

Now that that question has been put down, however, comes the fact of dealing with the very real and irrefutable details of our situation which feels very, very Griffin and Sabine at best.

- 10,000 miles
- 20 years

Four words. Two details.

I was born too early, it seems, for everything that my heart desires. Either by decades or centuries. I see things that can't be. I long for the functionally impossible with a fierce need that breaks my heart with every second and each beat. This is not to say that I am dissatisfied with this world and life, not at all, but that I see the arc of my personal trajectory so far ahead of the curve of my deepest desires that it's hard not to feel an urgent and nearly unseated frustration with what is the present.

I am at a loss as to how I can reconcile this. Some days it feels like anticipatory grief and loss and it's at that point that I realize how deeply I believe that this is part of my journey: learning to wear this loss, impending and past, with a quiet dignity that defies both apology or pity.

That said, and again, I am at a loss as to how I can reconcile this. What is the long game and how do I play it? I can't have spent all of this time to get here only to find out that I have arrived too early, that everything I want and need is lost to me across an unfathomable gulf of time. I truly have faith in what's to come and that it will be amazing, but I'm loathe to let go of what I see before me now, so stunned am I by its impossible beauty even as I understand all of the implications and dynamics at play that prevent its fruition.

For B

"If only," he said.

"I feel like a million bucks"

We're back home after a week plus in Maui. In many ways, it wasn't nearly long enough, but what we did have of it was great. Sea, sun, sand, warm waves, whales, volcanoes and a sweet, 28 mile bike ride down one, amazing sunsets and midnight rain on the palms outside. Birds that make exotic noises. Flowers as big as my face and in hues that defy belief.

Tomorrow's going to be a rude adjustment, I know, but on the red eye home last night at 36,000 feet, I saw stars, clusters and distant galaxies in the night sky as I never have before with the naked eye. Meteors shot across the scape of sky in my window so delicate and needle-like that it's hard for me to believe they would have been discernible on the ground. [Which, of course, is patently untrue, but things are a little different at 36,000' 2:30 in the morning. Cut an underslept girl some slack.]

It was enthralling.

Then the thinnest crescent of a moon rose above the cloud bank, at times to be obscured by the high, roiling bubbles of cumulonimbus clouds in the distance; backlighting and seeming to illuminate them from inside in such a way that was at once completely logical and utterly captivating. So much so that I didn't even want that part to come to an end.

It made me feel not a little recalcitrant in my attachment to an admittedly hedonistic existence of simply existing, but it also felt almost transcendent as strains of Lemon Jelly's "Space Walk" filled my mind and a relaxed ease still filled my limbs. Celestial wonder giving material form to pure, organic joy. If I had to leave such a beautiful and calming island of warmth and relaxation, what better escorts could I have asked for than this perfect sliver of moon and this sky of vast improbable possibilities as the Maestro snored softly at my shoulder?

"Beautiful...just beautiful."

Best six words I've read in a long time:

Be clear, be generous, be kind.

-Seth Godwin

And then I laughed some more

Sales Guy VS Web Dude.

Oh, how I laughed and laughed

Seriously [no pun intended], this is the funniest thing I've seen in ages.

I know it makes me a bad person, but, perversely, that just makes me laugh harder.

Engaged!

How's that for breaking a posting dryspell?