Monday, September 12, 2016

SBAA / DBAD



I've had a couple of extremely intense weeks professionally and personally, which usually makes me go pretty inward in reflection and restoration. This was also set up against a background of days of back to back interviews which is a necessary evil for a job hunter, but hugely draining AF for an introvert.
In many ways, I feel as though what we perceive speaks more of what is happening with our inner climate than what might be actually going on in the outside world or others' intentions, so I try very hard to examine internally first and speak second vs pure reaction. [That said, I'm not perfect.]
I don't know if it's the season change or coincidence, but I have had two people get exceedingly snarky with me because I'm "so positive" and "always find a way to find good in bad situations" - as if an absence of bitterness is offensive to them. I mean I have WTF moments every single day, but becoming a bitter cow is not going to make anything better or me more enjoyable to be around. 
I will call a spade a spade and I can be extremely plainspoken when the need arises. OTOH, when someone whose intentions and insight I trust calls me out, I listen and openly acknowledge the validity of their observations. I am not infallible nor am I tone deaf or needy of retribution / playing the blame game.
I've also had two people be *incredibly* generous with their time and attention with the initially unstated expectation that I would return the favor with a different kind of "time and attention" on my part. 
I do not do kindness with hooks in it. At all. Ever. 
I spent a few days feeling gross and used. [My inner dialogue.] I stated boundaries and set expectations that were entirely ignored or outright disqualified, as if it was a negotiation. I felt a bit conflicted until I asked each individual how they would view the situation if they were watching this same scenario unfold with their daughters. Radio silence. Therein is the truth, sirs: it was not, in fact, much ado about nothing, was it?
It will probably remain a mystery to me why people think that being mean, malicious, or manipulative will even the playing field, but apparently that operator's manual is a best seller in some groups. 
So yeah, don't be a dick and stop being an asshole. We all require course correction, but these are better habits built than hail Mary passes thrown.

Tuesday, September 06, 2016

Calm

Is what I feel when my compass is straight and I'm headed on the right path.  It feels as though it's been nearly three years of swimming in a rip current: energy out and exhaustion in return. Always, ever further from my goal.  But, as ever, fall down 7 times, get up 8.  Several recent weeks of intense activity, patience, and effort are ones that I hope will pay off.  We shall see!  In the meantime, Spotify still nails my musical moments before I even recognize the need to have them.

 
"Om Narayana
" by Wade Imre Morissette


Joy on the inside and peace on the outside
Loving on the inside and laughing on the outside
Kissing on the inside and healing on the outside
Flowing on the inside and thriving on the outside
Clearing on the inside and accepting the outside
Shining on the inside and shining on the outside

Shine on.

Shanti Om.

Monday, September 05, 2016

A Few Thoughts

This is possibly my fave site when I think I'm going sideways after being told that I'm always the cute wallflower when I'd rather be home chillin' like the villain that I am. *snicker*  Because, yeah, introverts [even masquerading cleverly at times as extroverts] are awesome. 

Check this post out as well.

And if you are lucky enough to be involved with one of us, know this. And that is not limited to romantic love.  We just love.

Tuesday, August 02, 2016

Harry Baker: The power of self-acceptance

In honor of this.

Stay Gone, But Do Not Disappear

“Leaving is not enough. You must stay gone. Train your heart like a dog. Change the locks even on the house he's never visited. You lucky, lucky girl. You have an apartment just your size. A bathtub full of tea. A heart the size of Arizona, but not nearly so arid. Don't wish away your cracked past, your crooked toes, your problems are papier mache puppets you made or bought because the vendor at the market was so compelling you just had to have them. You had to have him. And you did. And now you pull down the bridge between your houses, you make him call before he visits, you take a lover for granted, you take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic. Make the first bottle you consume in this place a relic. Place it on whatever altar you fashion with a knife and five cranberries. Don't lose too much weight. Stupid girls are always trying to disappear as revenge. And you are not stupid. You loved a man with more hands than a parade of beggars, and here you stand. Heart like a four-poster bed. Heart like a canvas. Heart leaking something so strong they can smell it in the street.”
Frida Kahlo to Marty McConnell by Marty McConnell

Friday, July 29, 2016

SARAH KAY - "A LOVE LETTER ..."

Because poetry is for the soul.

Scott Orr - "In The Belly Of The Whale"

This has been my morning song for nearly two weeks. I can’t get enough of it. "In The Belly Of The Whale" At the first glimpse of light I’ll be looking for you Lord I’m in the belly of a whale The first step I’ll take I’ll be headed the right way I’m in the belly of a whale The first song I’ll sing I’ll sing it to you God I’ll sing Hallelujah From the belly of a whale Why do you love a heart that’s not beating I have a heart that’s not beating But I was born for Hallelujah I’m in the belly of a whale My spiritual life is pretty private, though I’ll speak about it if asked. I’ve had a great deal of bible training and this speaks more, to me, as a contemplation on finding direction and purpose while feeling adrift. Personal redemption even. It’s beautiful and calming and a joy to listen to while reaching for a new day.

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Four Minutes Has Been a Big Thing

Seafret did a new version of it late last year.

The 36 questions are here.  It's less about romantic attraction than forming fundamental connections.

We need more connection.